Faithful

After writing that entry last night, I had an awesome 2 1/2 hour chat with my mom. We talked about a lot of things, but we kept coming back to two things. God is faithful and it's really important to be honest with fellow believers.

So, here's some honesty for you:

Growing up, my dad never had a steady job. He'd hop from one job to the next and many times just not have a job at all. I remember many times being literally angry with my dad. One particular time, I even went on a screaming tyrade at him because I was so angry. As a girl, I have a desire to be taken care of and protected and that just isn't him. My brother asked him last week about it, and he said he literally has never had any motivation to provide for his family. He just does not possess that natural male instinct to want to provide and protect his family. This is SO hard for me. I still have the urge to go yell at him about this sometimes. I have been so hurt by it so many times. I have finally realized, though, that it is something that I need to completely give to the Lord and pray that the Lord helps me forgive him because deep down I know I haven't. I still hold on to that hurt. All of this is so hard for me to even write because I HATE admitting that me or my family is not perfect. Most people in our town think we are the perfect family and nothing is wrong. Noone would ever believe that I have been hurt by my dad ever. We are the Spencers, who live in the perfect white 2 story house, have the 4 perfect kids who all were valedictorian or salutatorian and have grown up to be successful, and go to church every Sunday. I probably lie about my family more than anything else. I guess I just want us to be perfect so much that I lie to make us out to be. I am really good at putting on a perfect FACADE. I do it because it still kills me that me and my family are not perfect. Again, something I'm constantly having to give to the Lord.



So, that being said, my mom and I talked about that being honest with fellow believers is so important because we are meant to walk through the good and bad of life together! She was in her Bible study group last week when one lady admitted that she barely made it to Bible study because she is so depressed. That apparently opened up many of the ladies in the group to confess that they, too, are going through are have been through depression including my mom. My mom was stunned because I guess as we Christians, we just look at other people in our churches, and just expect them to have everything together. That's how we act. Christians are sooo good at putting on the pretty face. Especially as women, we think we have to hold our families together and we're deceived into believing that if something is not going right, we're failing as a Christian or mother. The true fact is NONE of us do have it all together! Once we admit that, it will make life so much better because now instead of carrying burdens on our own, we can share them with our fellow believers and walk through them together! We are never alone because Christ is with us, but also, we are never alone because chances are, there is another believer who's gone through or going through the same thing as you!



I struggle with being honest daily if not hourly if not minutely (is that a word??). I don't want people to know my struggles because then, they wouldn't see me as perfect. But, I need to first be honest with myself. Is this act I'm putting on bringing glory to God? And if I'm honest, it's absolutely not. Who knows who I could help or who could help me if they only knew what I was struggling with? Walking side by side as Christians is what we were made for. I know how sweet it is. Now, I just need to do it.



So, now that I've been honest, the faithful part comes in. As my mom and I talked about the whole situation with my dad and her bible study group, we also talked about how God has been and will be faithful through it all. With my dad, God has been faithful to our family by always providing what we needed and even given dad a steady job the last 9 years. He has been faithful to use my dad's situation to make my mom and I cling to Him. He has been faithful by providing us with a strong family unit. With her bible study group, He has been faithful by providing honest women that truly care for each other. For me, looking back on ways the Lord has been faithful is the best reminder that He will still be faithful even through the hard things I am going through right now.



So, since we're speaking in honesty, here's where I struggle:

I struggle with the fact that my brothers don't get along and that hurts me so much.

I struggle with my brother not following the Lord.

I struggle with lying.

I struggle with pride.

I struggle with feeling like I'm not a good Young Life leader.

I struggle with resentment against my Dad.

I struggle with not believing that the Lord could ever bring me the kind of Godly man I want to marry.



So, Lord I give you my struggles. Give me an honest heart and an honest tongue, Lord. Thanks for the chat with mom last night.

P.S. In awesome news, I ran 2 miles in 16:18 tonight!! That's the fastest I've run it since summer prior to freshmen year! I'm definitely getting the running bug and loving it!