pray, pray, pray

that's what i've been doing and need to do. i've got a lot on my mind. i'm giving it to the Lord.' Lord, i pray for discernment. i pray for your will. i pray for a clear answer. i pray that you lead me the right way.

Playing the Waiting Game

The Waiting Game. It's the hardest game I've ever had to play. Besides maybe heads up, 7-Up. I was really terrible at that game except when I cheated and looked at the people's feet (let's be real we all cheated at some point in that game). Anyone want to play soon? On my honor, I won't cheat this time! So, the waiting game, here's what God has to say about it.. "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25 Patient? Wait, you want me to be patient? But, Lord, I NEEEEEEED to know where I'm gonna be next year and what I'll be doing. So much relies on it. But, thankfully, I serve a good God who has a beautiful plan for me. (yes, plan.. i'm so excited about it because we all know I love plans!) I do not know it yet, but here I am waiting patiently (sometimes). Even though, I am still very impatient, I have such a peace about where I'll be and what I'll be doing next year. I KNOW my father has an awesome plan for me even if that means moving home for a little bit. I trust in His goodness and the fact that He knows me better than I know myself. I don't like waiting, but I will wait because I know the waiting brings me closer to my father. It lets me seek Him and talk to Him A LOT. Lord, let me seek you in this time of waiting. Thanks so much for the beautiful plan you have for my life.

Trusting in the Lord

The Lord has been teaching me so much lately. A lot about what it means to trust Him fully instead of questioning if what He has for me is really good. It's not easy for sure. Surprise, surprise. I tend to want to grip on to things and keep control of them. Well, I've been getting wakeup calls about that lately. Specifically, today I got a rejection letter for a job I really wanted. In fact, I was really confident that I would get it because of my qualifications and how well the interview went. The Lord took my control of my future and jerked it out of my hands. I thought that was my future. Clearly, the Lord has a different future for me. Joan and I talked last night about asking the Lord to shut all the doors except the one He wanted us to go through, so there would be no question that we were doing the Lord's will. Little did I know how quickly would that be true for my life. I can tell how much the Lord has worked in my life in the past year because of my reaction to the rejection. Clearly, I was disappointed, but my first reaction was that God had His perfect plan. There were no water works. It was simply on to the next trying to figure out what God has for me.

found this verse and it is so perfect in my circumstance:
Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those that trust you. Psalm 9:10

Lord, take my future from any grasp I try to hold onto. You know where you want me. Put me there.

Approval

I'm learning a LOT from the Lord right now. I'm learning so much about myself and the Lord is peeling off a veil for me to see sin in my life that I have never seen before. It is HARD. so HARD. I hate seeing sin in my own life. Remember how I hate not being perfect? See if I'm sinning, I'm not perfect, which sucks.

I've learned in the past couple of months that my love language is affirmation. I feel really loved when I feel really affirmed. It's definitely good to know what your love language is, but this past week I have seen the flip side to this. I realized that my love language is affirmation, so I do most things in my life in an effort to be affirmed by other people aka I want approval from people. I work soo hard for approval in sports, academics, jobs, whatever it is. I realized that the reason I'm struggling with not feeling like a good Young Life leader is that I'm not being affirmed. The Lord is teaching me through that the I need not work for approval of man, but approval of Him. ahhh.. that's so hard.

Even tonight, I realized another aspect of my struggle with approval. I even seek for approval on how I look and how I interact with people. Going out is definitely not comfortable to me especially when I'm not going out with one of my good friends. I realized that because of this I searched for approval even more, to no avail. I just felt awkward. Then, after leaving the going out situation I came back to hang out with another friend, who was actually already hanging out with someone else, so i couldn't hang out with her. The right thing to do is so hard a lot of times. I learned that tonight. Usually, the "right" thing to do is just automatic for me, but it wasn't tonight. I wanted to go hang out to feel affirmed that I was loved, but I knew that that was not what the two other people wanted/needed. It's hard sitting her alone, but I know that that is what is best even though it's not what my flesh wants.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
Galatians 1:10

Lord, let me be your servant. Let me work for your approval and not man's.

Sister Weekend :)

In New York City for Sister Weekend!
I'm so pumped to get to spend 4 days with my seester. She is the best and it is easiest for me to be honest with her than anyone else. She does such a great job of loving me. I know pretty much noone else that loves me as well as the way she does. I guess it's because I was such a present to her after having 2 brothers :)

Isaiah 33 is sooo good.
Summary: What the Lord is
My take:
v. 2-"O Lord, be gracious to us; We have waited for You. Be their arm every morning, Our salvation also in the time of trouble." I love this because it's a beautiful cry out to the Lord. The Lord wants us to call out to him in our distress and that's exactly what this is.
v. 5d-"The fear of the Lord is His treasure." Not exactly sure what this means, but I feel like it's really powerful. I take it to mean fearing the Lord is such a treasure to Christ.
v.15d-16a-"And shuts his eyes from evil: He will dwell on high." This makes me think about all the trash TV I watch. I need to be really careful about what I'm putting into my brain through my eyes. So much evil can come into our lives and produce sin through what we see. Our eyes are direct road for Satan to creep into our lives, so we need to make sure we guard them. My guilty pleasure is trashy reality TV shows, so clearly I'm not very good at this. There's definitely a fine line to walk about what is okay and not, and I'm not sure I'm walking it very well.
v.22- "For the Lord is our Judge, The Lord is our Lawgiver, The Lord is our King; He will save us." This is so powerful about the identity of the Lord. Such a great reminder, too for me that humans are not my judge. So, why am I striving to be perfect in their eyes?? He is King, not us! He will save us!!

Complacent

It's cool how the Lord so many times gives you just what you need to hear through His word. Isaiah 32 was just what I needed tonight. It talks about how righteous God is and how peaceful being His is, but what hit me most was what it said about complacency. You see, it's gotten really easy for me to be complacent as a senior. I know my surroundings. I know the people. I know my classes. I like where I'm at. I have to make sure I walk the fine line between complacency and contentment. While yes, I absolutely want to be content in the Lord (phil. 4:11.. check it out, in my top 5 favorite verses), I never want to be complacent. I guess the difference in the way I see it is that contentment is being content in your identity in Christ, knowing that you are His, wheras complacency is feeling like you don't need to grow in the Lord. Confession: I a lot of times feel like I'm a great Christian and don't have that much growing to do in the Lord. Clearly, I know that's a lie because I'm far from perfect, but it's so easy to get in that mind set through comparison with those around you. When I'm around the normal student, I'm feeling pretty good about my walk with the Lord. But, when I was around my fellow counselors the last couple of summers, I felt like I had leaps and bounds to go in the Lord. Again, it's a fine line between contentment and complacency.
Lord, let me learn to never be complacent. Let me constantly yearn to grow closer to you. Thank you for the way you have solidly given me my identity in you.