Approval

I'm learning a LOT from the Lord right now. I'm learning so much about myself and the Lord is peeling off a veil for me to see sin in my life that I have never seen before. It is HARD. so HARD. I hate seeing sin in my own life. Remember how I hate not being perfect? See if I'm sinning, I'm not perfect, which sucks.

I've learned in the past couple of months that my love language is affirmation. I feel really loved when I feel really affirmed. It's definitely good to know what your love language is, but this past week I have seen the flip side to this. I realized that my love language is affirmation, so I do most things in my life in an effort to be affirmed by other people aka I want approval from people. I work soo hard for approval in sports, academics, jobs, whatever it is. I realized that the reason I'm struggling with not feeling like a good Young Life leader is that I'm not being affirmed. The Lord is teaching me through that the I need not work for approval of man, but approval of Him. ahhh.. that's so hard.

Even tonight, I realized another aspect of my struggle with approval. I even seek for approval on how I look and how I interact with people. Going out is definitely not comfortable to me especially when I'm not going out with one of my good friends. I realized that because of this I searched for approval even more, to no avail. I just felt awkward. Then, after leaving the going out situation I came back to hang out with another friend, who was actually already hanging out with someone else, so i couldn't hang out with her. The right thing to do is so hard a lot of times. I learned that tonight. Usually, the "right" thing to do is just automatic for me, but it wasn't tonight. I wanted to go hang out to feel affirmed that I was loved, but I knew that that was not what the two other people wanted/needed. It's hard sitting her alone, but I know that that is what is best even though it's not what my flesh wants.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
Galatians 1:10

Lord, let me be your servant. Let me work for your approval and not man's.