So.. Can I just say that the Lord has been ridiculously blessing me lately?
Not that he doesn't always, but lately, he has blessed me with clarity, something that I seem to always be praying for. I am such a planner and want to plan out every second of every day and want to know what I'll be doing for the next five years right now.
I have learned along the way really what the Word means when it says "He will be a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." Sometimes He shows us just a lamp unto our feet, showing us just where to take the next step. And sometimes He shows us a light to a longer path. I've learned to be thankful to the lamp and the light, but my planning self still constantly seeks the light.
Over Christmas break, man did the Lord give me the light. How freeing and terrifying was this light!! There are certain things I pray for every night: my family, my friends, my Young Life kids, my witness, my future husband but I would say the majority of my prayers get taken up by me praying and agonizing to the Lord about future plans. Future, future, future. Where am I going to be in five years? What am I going to be doing? What is going to be my mission field and on and on and on? On December 31st, the Lord answered those prayers about my future and my life will never be the same.
Working back from December 31st before the big surrender:
My whole life I have been driven for success. Be the best tennis player. Be the best student. Be the best club president. And for me this meant having a clear life plan and life goals. Since the 7th grade after reading "Financial Peace"(still my favorite book to this day), I was going to be a financial planner. No second guessing, that was my life plan and my life goal was to open a Christian financial planning firm. Throughout high school, I worked hard at school to get into a good college where I knew I'd major in something finance related. Once in college, I decided that degrees in math and accounting would be my perfect segway to get into financial planning.
After my sophomore year of college is when things started to change. I started to actual realize I would be graduated in two years and have to be a financial planner for the rest of my life. Seriously, I had never really thought what that would mean and if I would actually enjoy it. I started to doubt that that was my life plan and honestly, I realized I had never asked the Lord if that was his plan for me. I started to pray hard about just what my future career should be. What was He calling me to do? The fall of this past year, I was in a lot of turmoil, was he calling me to stick it out with my math and accounting degrees and just do what I had always thought I was going to do? Was he calling me to speech therapy? Should I become an actuary? I didn't know and I continued to pray. Along with this, I was trying to make the huge decision as if I should quit Young Life or tennis or keep exhausting myself and do both. Christmas came and I knew decision time about Young Life and tennis was getting closer as tennis season started at the end of January. I prayed and I weighed all the pros and cons. I was convinced one day I was gonna quit tennis. The next day I was for sure quitting Young Life. And another day I was gonna continue to do both.
Then, I went to Urbana, a missions conference with over 15000 people from all over the world. I didn't go with a willing or open heart. Honestly, I didn't want to leave my family at home as I selfishly treasure that time so much especially since I live 1000 miles away from home 9 months a year. I went because I felt like I should and was sort of peer pressured into going because my best friends were going. Can I just say now that some peer pressure can be good? I am so glad they got me to go. Throughout Urbana, I started to open up my heart to the Lord and really asked Him to take it wherever He wanted it. I really connected with the Lord.
The big surrender:
As I talked to IV and Greek IV staff, I started to see my light. I had never thoroughly considered ministry as a career before, but always knew I enjoyed being involved with it. Out of the blue on Wednesday, December 30, I was at the greek IV booth, and they asked me if I had ever considered going on staff with IV. I said not really, but I'd love to consider the option. I then semi-interviewed with an IV staffer for about 45 minutes and realized this could really be something I could enjoy. By the end of Urbana, as the Lord really answered my prayers to move my heart to where He wanted it, I realized my heart was in campus ministry and it had actually been there for a while! I just had not realized it! I think I just pushed those kind of thoughts about going into ministry to the back of my mind because I was supposed to grow up to be this successful human being by human standards by making lots of money. December 31, I finally surrendered to the call to ministry and realized that God was calling me into campus ministry and perhaps specifically with intervarsity. From that point on, my other future decisions just seemed to fall into place. I came back to school, dropped my double major to just a BS in Math. Then, last Friday, the Lord gave me further clarity about my decision to quit Young Life when He blessed me with the Head RA position for next year. It was just further confirmation to me that I had to quit something and if I was going to go into ministry as a career, I needed to practice it here with everything I had before it became a career. So, Last Saturday, I officially quit tennis with much support from my tennis coaches and family, something I had not expected at all!
All in all, once I surrendered to His call, I felt the most peace I have ever felt in my life. Am I terrified? Yes. Am I excited? Absolutely. I truly can't wait to see what the Lord does with me as He prepares me in this next year and a half to answer His call to ministry.
