2011 is gonna be a transition year for me. I'll be graduating (we hope anyways!) from W&L in May and then become a "real" adult.. ahhh. scary.. I don't know where I'll be working, where I'll be living, or what I'll be doing come next New Year's Eve, but I do know that my God has already written my story and does know all of these things. With this, here's some of my resolutions for a sure to be exciting year.
Spiritual:
Chapter Per Day in My Bible
Blog about Said Chapter
Disciple a freshmen girl
Write a Page Every Day in My Prayer Journal
Pray!! Pray!! Pray!! I want my prayer life to greatly increase!
Physical:
Running and Ab Workout 3 Days/Week
Only 2 cokes/Day
Tennis Once/Wk
Run a half marathon!
Academic:
>3.75 GPA This Term
Peace and Joy to You for 2011!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Beautiful Children
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us. that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"
1 John 3:1
Every afternoon at UJIMA-Settegast Heights (a Section 8 housing community), I have the blessing of playing with some of the most beautiful children I've ever met. We play bingo, we do the monkey bars, we play chain tag, or their personal favorite, we play Crystal is a horsey, where basically they get on my back and we run and spin around aimlessly until I can't hold them anymore and the next beautiful child asks to get on my back.
As Big Boi and Hamburger and Pig and Trey and Tyra and Adrian and Queen Bee and Daysia and so many more look up at me with their beautiful eyes, I can't help but be reminded of how I look up to my father. These kids look up at me sometimes with smiles, sometimes with tears, and even sometimes expressionless. Some of them are so desperate for human touch that I just want to hold them all day long and bring them home with me. Their laughter has become the music of my summer. Even their expressionless faces hold so much beneath. And then I remember, they are not only reaching up to me, they are actually reaching up to their heavenly Father. They may have no concept or knowledge of who Jesus is, but they do know they need love and I know that that love comes from their Heavenly Father.
As I left there last Thursday, knowing I wouldn't be back for a few days, I couldn't help, but be overcome with sadness. I didn't want to leave them. They have taught me so much about how to yearn out for the Lord, even though they don't know it. The way they love me is the way I want to love my father. Their love is so bold, real, and honest.
I don't even want to think about leaving them next week, knowing that I won't be seeing them for a long time, if ever again at all. Through this summer, though, I really have come to feel a peace about moving back to Houston after graduation, working, and continuing to love and be loved by these beautiful children.
Lord, thank you for making such beautiful children. Thank you for letting me be your child and loving me so well. Bless my kids at UJIMA and lead them to your love. Amen
1 John 3:1
Every afternoon at UJIMA-Settegast Heights (a Section 8 housing community), I have the blessing of playing with some of the most beautiful children I've ever met. We play bingo, we do the monkey bars, we play chain tag, or their personal favorite, we play Crystal is a horsey, where basically they get on my back and we run and spin around aimlessly until I can't hold them anymore and the next beautiful child asks to get on my back.
As Big Boi and Hamburger and Pig and Trey and Tyra and Adrian and Queen Bee and Daysia and so many more look up at me with their beautiful eyes, I can't help but be reminded of how I look up to my father. These kids look up at me sometimes with smiles, sometimes with tears, and even sometimes expressionless. Some of them are so desperate for human touch that I just want to hold them all day long and bring them home with me. Their laughter has become the music of my summer. Even their expressionless faces hold so much beneath. And then I remember, they are not only reaching up to me, they are actually reaching up to their heavenly Father. They may have no concept or knowledge of who Jesus is, but they do know they need love and I know that that love comes from their Heavenly Father.
As I left there last Thursday, knowing I wouldn't be back for a few days, I couldn't help, but be overcome with sadness. I didn't want to leave them. They have taught me so much about how to yearn out for the Lord, even though they don't know it. The way they love me is the way I want to love my father. Their love is so bold, real, and honest.
I don't even want to think about leaving them next week, knowing that I won't be seeing them for a long time, if ever again at all. Through this summer, though, I really have come to feel a peace about moving back to Houston after graduation, working, and continuing to love and be loved by these beautiful children.
Lord, thank you for making such beautiful children. Thank you for letting me be your child and loving me so well. Bless my kids at UJIMA and lead them to your love. Amen
Serving for an Audience of One
"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men." Ephesians 6:7
I've gone to SEARCH (Service of the Emergency Aid Resource Center for the Homeless) a lot this summer. It's not always my favorite site to go to, but lately, it sure has taught me about what true service looks like.
When I went on my first CSM trip to Washington DC in February, I remember thinking the same think about DC Central Kitchen. While I was cutting loaf of bread after loaf of bread, I remember getting bored and wanting to do something else. Then, Mo, a DC Spring Host, and I started talking about service and what truly serving the Lord means. It hit me that serving the Lord is not about being thanked or people thinking that I'm serving well. I had always had this thought as head knowledge, but it had never transferred to my heart. That cold February morning in the DC Central Kitchen basement, it finally transferred to heart knowledge. I was serving only one thing and that was my God.
SEARCH continues to teach me about serving wholeheartedly for an audience of one. Lately, my groups and I have been washing walls and windows. I tell you every window and wall, inside and out, in that 4 story building is as clean as it will ever be. While I still don't exactly look forward to washing walls and windows (I'm not sure I ever will), I now sing and dance while I'm doing so because I know I'm not washing for nothing, I'm washing because He first washed me and my sins away. Now, every time I squirt that Windex bottle and wipe a window, I view it as just a way I can show the Lord that I am so thankful for Him not just cleaning a part of me, but all of me.
Lord, thank you for continuing to teach me what true service is and for places like DC Central Kitchen and SEARCH that you use as avenues of learning.
I've gone to SEARCH (Service of the Emergency Aid Resource Center for the Homeless) a lot this summer. It's not always my favorite site to go to, but lately, it sure has taught me about what true service looks like.
When I went on my first CSM trip to Washington DC in February, I remember thinking the same think about DC Central Kitchen. While I was cutting loaf of bread after loaf of bread, I remember getting bored and wanting to do something else. Then, Mo, a DC Spring Host, and I started talking about service and what truly serving the Lord means. It hit me that serving the Lord is not about being thanked or people thinking that I'm serving well. I had always had this thought as head knowledge, but it had never transferred to my heart. That cold February morning in the DC Central Kitchen basement, it finally transferred to heart knowledge. I was serving only one thing and that was my God.
SEARCH continues to teach me about serving wholeheartedly for an audience of one. Lately, my groups and I have been washing walls and windows. I tell you every window and wall, inside and out, in that 4 story building is as clean as it will ever be. While I still don't exactly look forward to washing walls and windows (I'm not sure I ever will), I now sing and dance while I'm doing so because I know I'm not washing for nothing, I'm washing because He first washed me and my sins away. Now, every time I squirt that Windex bottle and wipe a window, I view it as just a way I can show the Lord that I am so thankful for Him not just cleaning a part of me, but all of me.
Lord, thank you for continuing to teach me what true service is and for places like DC Central Kitchen and SEARCH that you use as avenues of learning.
The Story of David, the Second Chapter
"You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. "
Job 11:18
I was so excited last week when I got to see David again. Now 2 weeks since he entered the program, he is already on the path to recovery. This time as he talked to me, I could just see a hope and a light in his eyes that wasn't there before. You could see that he felt safe at Open Door and was proud of what path he was now on. We talked about politics, the oil spill, the weather, just your average conversation with a person. It was so cool to me that in just two weeks the Lord had given Him hope and a new outlook on life. David just wanted to talk and talk and talk. He even told me that my group and I were like his children. That's why he wanted to talk to us so much. I felt that way, too.
The first time I met him, I hurt for him like a daughter would. This second meeting, I grinned like a daughter proud of her father. I am proud and anxious to see what the Lord continues to do in David's life.
Lord, thank you for always holding David in Your hands. Be with him and continue to heal him through Open Door and his relationship with you. Amen
Job 11:18
I was so excited last week when I got to see David again. Now 2 weeks since he entered the program, he is already on the path to recovery. This time as he talked to me, I could just see a hope and a light in his eyes that wasn't there before. You could see that he felt safe at Open Door and was proud of what path he was now on. We talked about politics, the oil spill, the weather, just your average conversation with a person. It was so cool to me that in just two weeks the Lord had given Him hope and a new outlook on life. David just wanted to talk and talk and talk. He even told me that my group and I were like his children. That's why he wanted to talk to us so much. I felt that way, too.
The first time I met him, I hurt for him like a daughter would. This second meeting, I grinned like a daughter proud of her father. I am proud and anxious to see what the Lord continues to do in David's life.
Lord, thank you for always holding David in Your hands. Be with him and continue to heal him through Open Door and his relationship with you. Amen
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Story of David
"By the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." Philippians 3:21
I clung onto this verse so tightly today as I talked to David. I prayed with David that the Lord would transform his body and rid it of an addiction that has filled it for over 30 years.
Two of the other interns and I had the awesome opportunity to serve and hang out with the guys at Open Door Mission this morning. When I walked out to the courtyard, I sat down next to David. He was quietly awaiting his bed assignment shortly after being admitted to the Open Door drug rehab program. He had been at ODM since 5 AM waiting to be the first admittee of the morning. The sweat dripped down his cheeks as the Houston sun beat down. As I listened, my heart ached with every sentence he spoke, which became his story, the story of David.
David grew up with the typical dreams of having a good job, marrying a beautiful wife, and raising a loving family. When he was 18 years old, he was drafted into the military to go fight in the Vietnam War. He served his time in the Army for 3 years in the rough jungles of Vietnam. By the end of 3 years, he had become an alcoholic attempting to erase all of the gruesome things he had witnessed. Soon after he returned from Vietnam, he married, had a child, and moved to Germany when he was stationed there. He had a beautiful wife, baby girl, and a wonderful best friend in his platoon in Germany. He still battled alcoholism, but was recovering well until one terrible night. Upon returning home after work one day, he walked in on his wife and his best friend sleeping together while his baby girl slept just a few feet away. That night changed his life forever. He felt as if his whole life was destroyed. He turned back to the alcohol and started doing cocaine. The next 30 years have been a blur he says. He's gone through four wives, been homeless for the last 10 years, and is still heavily addicted to crack.
David really made me think. If tragic events like his happened to me, would I still be following the Lord and keeping the faith? Would I be in David's exact predicament? I'd like to say I hope not, but at the same time I can barely hold it together when I'm stressed out about exams.
Thankfully, our God proclaims that He can transform our lives, not matter what state they are in. This is my hope and prayer for David. I love that we serve a God that is just that powerful. When all things seem hopeless, He is always our hope.
Lord, I cry out for my brother David. Transform his life. Take hold of his heart, God. Grab onto his desire for alcohol and cocaine and throw it far, far away from him. Thank you, Lord, for being a powerful God that transform lives.
I clung onto this verse so tightly today as I talked to David. I prayed with David that the Lord would transform his body and rid it of an addiction that has filled it for over 30 years.
Two of the other interns and I had the awesome opportunity to serve and hang out with the guys at Open Door Mission this morning. When I walked out to the courtyard, I sat down next to David. He was quietly awaiting his bed assignment shortly after being admitted to the Open Door drug rehab program. He had been at ODM since 5 AM waiting to be the first admittee of the morning. The sweat dripped down his cheeks as the Houston sun beat down. As I listened, my heart ached with every sentence he spoke, which became his story, the story of David.
David grew up with the typical dreams of having a good job, marrying a beautiful wife, and raising a loving family. When he was 18 years old, he was drafted into the military to go fight in the Vietnam War. He served his time in the Army for 3 years in the rough jungles of Vietnam. By the end of 3 years, he had become an alcoholic attempting to erase all of the gruesome things he had witnessed. Soon after he returned from Vietnam, he married, had a child, and moved to Germany when he was stationed there. He had a beautiful wife, baby girl, and a wonderful best friend in his platoon in Germany. He still battled alcoholism, but was recovering well until one terrible night. Upon returning home after work one day, he walked in on his wife and his best friend sleeping together while his baby girl slept just a few feet away. That night changed his life forever. He felt as if his whole life was destroyed. He turned back to the alcohol and started doing cocaine. The next 30 years have been a blur he says. He's gone through four wives, been homeless for the last 10 years, and is still heavily addicted to crack.
David really made me think. If tragic events like his happened to me, would I still be following the Lord and keeping the faith? Would I be in David's exact predicament? I'd like to say I hope not, but at the same time I can barely hold it together when I'm stressed out about exams.
Thankfully, our God proclaims that He can transform our lives, not matter what state they are in. This is my hope and prayer for David. I love that we serve a God that is just that powerful. When all things seem hopeless, He is always our hope.
Lord, I cry out for my brother David. Transform his life. Take hold of his heart, God. Grab onto his desire for alcohol and cocaine and throw it far, far away from him. Thank you, Lord, for being a powerful God that transform lives.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Junior High=passion of my heart
This last week, 65 junior highers came to call CSM-Houston their home for a week. While many in people in our world can't stand junior highers, I absolutely love them and all of their craziness. From the first ten minutes Sunday night where it sounded like a herd of elephants had moved into our site to the last hour where they were excited about scrubbing toilets, I loved every second of my week with them. It just made me remember how much of a heart I have for junior highers. I loved the way 7th grade girls played basketball in the rain with 20 kids voluntarily. I loved the way they sang ridiculous songs in the van to and from ministry sites. I loved the way they held the children of Ujima. I loved their joyful hearts making hygiene kits at SEARCH. I loved hearing profound God moments and hilarious irrelevant stories that went on forever each day during debriefs. I loved the way they copied my every dance move at the Harbor Light choir concert. I loved the hilarious moments that junior high boys create by throwing trash cans down stairs and scaring junior high girls by shooting empty airsoft guns in the vents of the showers. Above all, I love the way the Lord works in junior highers lives. I love seeing the huge change the Lord can have in a junior higher's life.
Lord, thank you for junior highers and all the fun they are.
Lord, thank you for junior highers and all the fun they are.
Daughter before Servant
man.. this is so hard for me to remember sometimes..
I am a doer. I like getting things done. Therefore, I am always concerned with what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and when it is going to get done. This summer working with CSM is great for me because I get to do a lot of things that directly help people. I hang out with homeless people, serve meals, play with children, and lots of other stuff. I get to DO a lot. But because I'm serving so much, I have to constantly remind myself that the Lord wants me to know him before He wants me to serve Him. This is so hard for me because getting to know the Lord many times involves very little doing.
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
I have a hard time being still, little own being still and listening to the Lord. Because I'm a doer and a planner, my mind is constantly going even if I am physically still. This is something I constantly struggle with. I know and have experienced how awesome stillness is with the Lord. Yet, I still rarely am still. I somehow rationalize in my head that if I'm serving the Lord, I'm also getting to know Him. Sometimes, this is true. However, if there is no one on one time with the Lord, I'm not serving the Lord, I'm merely serving people.
Lord, help me be still and seek your face above all else.
I am a doer. I like getting things done. Therefore, I am always concerned with what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and when it is going to get done. This summer working with CSM is great for me because I get to do a lot of things that directly help people. I hang out with homeless people, serve meals, play with children, and lots of other stuff. I get to DO a lot. But because I'm serving so much, I have to constantly remind myself that the Lord wants me to know him before He wants me to serve Him. This is so hard for me because getting to know the Lord many times involves very little doing.
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
I have a hard time being still, little own being still and listening to the Lord. Because I'm a doer and a planner, my mind is constantly going even if I am physically still. This is something I constantly struggle with. I know and have experienced how awesome stillness is with the Lord. Yet, I still rarely am still. I somehow rationalize in my head that if I'm serving the Lord, I'm also getting to know Him. Sometimes, this is true. However, if there is no one on one time with the Lord, I'm not serving the Lord, I'm merely serving people.
Lord, help me be still and seek your face above all else.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Cycles
We talk about it a lot. The cycle of poverty this. The cycle of poverty that. We talk about how terrible it is, how hard it is to get out of, and we keep trying to think of more ways for people to escape it. This whole summer I am working with many people who are trapped in the cycle of poverty. My heart breaks for them as I learn more and more about how awesome a lot of these individuals are. But, what about us? Are we in a cycle, too?
I was reminded of this by one of the sweetest men in my group, who is affectionately known as PawPaw to most. During our routine lunch yesterday while sitting under a shade tree, he started talking and I started listening. He said probably one of the most profound things I've heard in a long time. After we visited the Harbor Light Salvation Army center yesterday, he realized that we, too, as middle class individuals are caught in the cycle of pushing the homeless away. Since 1861, when Salvation Army was started, people have been pushing the homeless away from the church. This was the very reason the SA was created because the church wasn't helping them, so somebody needed to. It's still the same today in many churches. If a homeless person walked into a church today, would they be welcomed with open arms? Sadly, probably not. It just makes you think, what vicious cycle are you caught in? Sometimes this perspective can change everything. That was certainly the case for me yesterday.
I was reminded of this by one of the sweetest men in my group, who is affectionately known as PawPaw to most. During our routine lunch yesterday while sitting under a shade tree, he started talking and I started listening. He said probably one of the most profound things I've heard in a long time. After we visited the Harbor Light Salvation Army center yesterday, he realized that we, too, as middle class individuals are caught in the cycle of pushing the homeless away. Since 1861, when Salvation Army was started, people have been pushing the homeless away from the church. This was the very reason the SA was created because the church wasn't helping them, so somebody needed to. It's still the same today in many churches. If a homeless person walked into a church today, would they be welcomed with open arms? Sadly, probably not. It just makes you think, what vicious cycle are you caught in? Sometimes this perspective can change everything. That was certainly the case for me yesterday.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Mindblowing
Then he said to them all, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:23-24
One of the most mindblowing and emotional days I've had in a long time, but so needed and so good. I had the full range of emotions today: from angry, confused, and sad to hopeful, joyful, and giddy.
Confused because of some awesome time we spent with a man that absolutely radiates Christ, Jim. He completely boggled my mind about being successful and how suffering is actually needed and a great thing. He was once CEO of a company, had everything the world says should make us happy, and then lost it all, and is now probably in my top 5 of Godliest people I have ever met. His wreckage turned out so beautiful. Now, I wonder if I need to go through some suffering and pain to experience the beautiful other side. I've been comfortable my whole life and have experienced little to no suffering. At the same time though, my earthly mind doesn't want suffering. So, now what do I do with this?
Sad for one of my fellow interns and the hurt she is going through, but thankful that the Lord has started to soften my hurt, so the things that hurt other people and the Lord are breaking my heart as well. This was a HUGE breakthrough for me. I usually don't feel for other people at all.
Mad because we discussed human trafficking today. I was more angry today than I have been in a long time. I had no idea what a huge issue it is and especially angry that people in our world can be so evil to enslave people and especially sexually enslave small children. Disgusting and gross and it made me absolutely angry. I wanted to get up right then and go punch one of the pimps that enslaves girls.
Hopeful that the Lord can help me discern through all of this information I am processing and hopeful that He can completely eliminate human trafficking. Joyful because the Lord moved in HUGE ways in our group today. Walls were broken down. Bonds were strengthened. Lives are changing.
Joyful that I am blessed to be with such an honest and open group who will be vulnerable.
Giddy after a fantastic light-hearted night including the Hobbit Cafe (which was delicious), an Astros game where they actually won, dancing and singing in the van on the way back to housing, and finally a mini-salsa dance lesson from Sarah, our communications director!
All in all, it scares me so much that I am going to continually have to fight against myself to really see what God has for me this summer, but at the same time, I'm excited to see how His glory and perfect provision for my life turns out!
Lord, thank you for vulnerability and inperfections. Thank you for loving us through wreckage. Continue to remind me that I am not perfect, but don't need to be because you are.
One of the most mindblowing and emotional days I've had in a long time, but so needed and so good. I had the full range of emotions today: from angry, confused, and sad to hopeful, joyful, and giddy.
Confused because of some awesome time we spent with a man that absolutely radiates Christ, Jim. He completely boggled my mind about being successful and how suffering is actually needed and a great thing. He was once CEO of a company, had everything the world says should make us happy, and then lost it all, and is now probably in my top 5 of Godliest people I have ever met. His wreckage turned out so beautiful. Now, I wonder if I need to go through some suffering and pain to experience the beautiful other side. I've been comfortable my whole life and have experienced little to no suffering. At the same time though, my earthly mind doesn't want suffering. So, now what do I do with this?
Sad for one of my fellow interns and the hurt she is going through, but thankful that the Lord has started to soften my hurt, so the things that hurt other people and the Lord are breaking my heart as well. This was a HUGE breakthrough for me. I usually don't feel for other people at all.
Mad because we discussed human trafficking today. I was more angry today than I have been in a long time. I had no idea what a huge issue it is and especially angry that people in our world can be so evil to enslave people and especially sexually enslave small children. Disgusting and gross and it made me absolutely angry. I wanted to get up right then and go punch one of the pimps that enslaves girls.
Hopeful that the Lord can help me discern through all of this information I am processing and hopeful that He can completely eliminate human trafficking. Joyful because the Lord moved in HUGE ways in our group today. Walls were broken down. Bonds were strengthened. Lives are changing.
Joyful that I am blessed to be with such an honest and open group who will be vulnerable.
Giddy after a fantastic light-hearted night including the Hobbit Cafe (which was delicious), an Astros game where they actually won, dancing and singing in the van on the way back to housing, and finally a mini-salsa dance lesson from Sarah, our communications director!
All in all, it scares me so much that I am going to continually have to fight against myself to really see what God has for me this summer, but at the same time, I'm excited to see how His glory and perfect provision for my life turns out!
Lord, thank you for vulnerability and inperfections. Thank you for loving us through wreckage. Continue to remind me that I am not perfect, but don't need to be because you are.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Center for Student Missions Summer
"My dear friends, pay attention. God has given a lot of faith to the poor people in this world. He has also promised them a share in his kingdom that he will give to everyone who loves him. You ill-treat the poor. But isn't it the rich who boss you around and drag you off to court? Aren't they the ones who make fun of your Lord?" James 2:5-7
So, this summer, I'll be learning a lot about this verse. I'm working for Center for Student Missions or CSM in Houston, which is a urban mission program in which we take adult and student groups around the city to different awesome programs that help in a variety of ways. I've only been here about a week in training, but I already feel like the city is serving me more than I am serving it.
In America, we all grow up thinking that achieving the American dream is ideal. We want to be successful, have a nice house, and raise a family. This is where my internal conflict starts. Is that really what God wants for my life? Is that really what His word commands? I have been so driven by success my whole life that anything that seems to contrast that completely boggles my mind. If I can have better faith living in the depressed 3rd ward of Houston than I can living in a house in River Oaks, should I not live a so-called "poor" lifestyle?
This is a question I will continue to work through the entire summer and it scares me A LOT. If God is really calling me to live a more modest lifestyle, I need to do that. But at the same time, there goes my dreams of nice cars, big screen TVs, and expensive furniture. I know if that really is what God is calling me to do, the turmoil I feel about not living with nice things will be far less than the joy I receive from answering God's call.
In the first 72 hours I was here, I already saw exactly what James meant in verse 5. As I sat eating my breakfast with hundreds of the Houston homeless after the Lord of the Streets church service on Sunday, I talked with Rosalynn and saw one of the strongest faiths I'd seen in a long time. There she sat, homeless on a scorching hot summer day in Houston, eating one of the first meals she'd probably had in a couple of days. As she ate, not only did she give some of her food away as soon as somebody else said they liked a certain item, but she told me of just how much joy the Lord was giving her. I don't think she stopped smiling the whole meal. She told me how she was so blessed with joy and so glad she was joyful, and not just happy. Can you say WOW? She, compared to American standards, had close to nothing, but was more joyful than probably the majority of the people living in Beverly Hills. Rosalynn served me so well by teaching me what true joy is. I hope I see her again.
Joy is not the absence of crisis, but the presence of Christ.
Lord, thank you for Rosalynn and the way she touched my life. She was such an inspiration to me. Thank you for giving us joy even when we don't deserve it.
So, this summer, I'll be learning a lot about this verse. I'm working for Center for Student Missions or CSM in Houston, which is a urban mission program in which we take adult and student groups around the city to different awesome programs that help in a variety of ways. I've only been here about a week in training, but I already feel like the city is serving me more than I am serving it.
In America, we all grow up thinking that achieving the American dream is ideal. We want to be successful, have a nice house, and raise a family. This is where my internal conflict starts. Is that really what God wants for my life? Is that really what His word commands? I have been so driven by success my whole life that anything that seems to contrast that completely boggles my mind. If I can have better faith living in the depressed 3rd ward of Houston than I can living in a house in River Oaks, should I not live a so-called "poor" lifestyle?
This is a question I will continue to work through the entire summer and it scares me A LOT. If God is really calling me to live a more modest lifestyle, I need to do that. But at the same time, there goes my dreams of nice cars, big screen TVs, and expensive furniture. I know if that really is what God is calling me to do, the turmoil I feel about not living with nice things will be far less than the joy I receive from answering God's call.
In the first 72 hours I was here, I already saw exactly what James meant in verse 5. As I sat eating my breakfast with hundreds of the Houston homeless after the Lord of the Streets church service on Sunday, I talked with Rosalynn and saw one of the strongest faiths I'd seen in a long time. There she sat, homeless on a scorching hot summer day in Houston, eating one of the first meals she'd probably had in a couple of days. As she ate, not only did she give some of her food away as soon as somebody else said they liked a certain item, but she told me of just how much joy the Lord was giving her. I don't think she stopped smiling the whole meal. She told me how she was so blessed with joy and so glad she was joyful, and not just happy. Can you say WOW? She, compared to American standards, had close to nothing, but was more joyful than probably the majority of the people living in Beverly Hills. Rosalynn served me so well by teaching me what true joy is. I hope I see her again.
Joy is not the absence of crisis, but the presence of Christ.
Lord, thank you for Rosalynn and the way she touched my life. She was such an inspiration to me. Thank you for giving us joy even when we don't deserve it.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Connect
So, I'm writing this post for a couple of reasons.
1.) I haven't written in a while, and need to.
2.) Steve Tamayo, our GCF staff worker's favorite word is connect and one of his favorite things to do is blog, so I wanted to honor his leaving in this way
3.) I want to connect with God, and have not been lately
1.) self-explanatory
2.) My spiritual growth at W&L has a lot to do with this guy. He's seen me at my highs and my lows, and gives some of the best advice I've ever heard. He listens with an open heart and when you talk to him, you feel like you need to completely pour out your heart to him. I've "connected" with him and He's "connected" me with God countless times through discipling, GCF talks, or just through encouragement. I'm going to miss him a lot next year as are a lot of us.
3.) I've been kinda slighting my time with the Lord recently. I got into a rut of quiet times where the formula I had set up just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I say all the time there is no set way to connect with God, but in my head, I thought for me I had to read my Bible and then pray to connect with God. Therefore, if I was not doing those things in my quiet times, I thought I was not connecting with Him, and felt guilty. So, then one of my best friends made me realize that maybe I need to change my routine to connect with God now. That worked for a few days. I switched it up and just started praying. Then, I got lazy because I no longer felt guilty about not doing my routined quiet time and pretty much stopped having one altogether. Basically, me and the Lord have not been tight lately, and I hate that. I'm gonna change it up again and start reading scripture throughout the day to help me connect with God not just at one time, but multiple times throughout the day. I thank God for sticking by me even when I have not been spending very much time with him. Today, I read Ephesians 2 after being curious about what it said after reading a friend's religious views on Facebook. I love that Paul writes that we are alive in Christ. For so many people, they think that being a Christian means dying to fun, but honestly when we are in Christ, we are soooo alive!! I can live knowing that no matter what I do, even when I don't feel close to Him, He is still there for me and loves me unconditionally. What peace!
Thank you Lord for being faithful to me even when I'm not faithful to you!
1.) I haven't written in a while, and need to.
2.) Steve Tamayo, our GCF staff worker's favorite word is connect and one of his favorite things to do is blog, so I wanted to honor his leaving in this way
3.) I want to connect with God, and have not been lately
1.) self-explanatory
2.) My spiritual growth at W&L has a lot to do with this guy. He's seen me at my highs and my lows, and gives some of the best advice I've ever heard. He listens with an open heart and when you talk to him, you feel like you need to completely pour out your heart to him. I've "connected" with him and He's "connected" me with God countless times through discipling, GCF talks, or just through encouragement. I'm going to miss him a lot next year as are a lot of us.
3.) I've been kinda slighting my time with the Lord recently. I got into a rut of quiet times where the formula I had set up just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I say all the time there is no set way to connect with God, but in my head, I thought for me I had to read my Bible and then pray to connect with God. Therefore, if I was not doing those things in my quiet times, I thought I was not connecting with Him, and felt guilty. So, then one of my best friends made me realize that maybe I need to change my routine to connect with God now. That worked for a few days. I switched it up and just started praying. Then, I got lazy because I no longer felt guilty about not doing my routined quiet time and pretty much stopped having one altogether. Basically, me and the Lord have not been tight lately, and I hate that. I'm gonna change it up again and start reading scripture throughout the day to help me connect with God not just at one time, but multiple times throughout the day. I thank God for sticking by me even when I have not been spending very much time with him. Today, I read Ephesians 2 after being curious about what it said after reading a friend's religious views on Facebook. I love that Paul writes that we are alive in Christ. For so many people, they think that being a Christian means dying to fun, but honestly when we are in Christ, we are soooo alive!! I can live knowing that no matter what I do, even when I don't feel close to Him, He is still there for me and loves me unconditionally. What peace!
Thank you Lord for being faithful to me even when I'm not faithful to you!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Answered Prayer
God is good ALL the time! ALL the time, God is good!
The Lord has been ridiculously blessing me lately, so I thought I'd share just how He's been answering my prayers.
1.) Dodgeball tournament was soooo legit! Over 200 people were there total with parents, teachers, and faculty. All of the kids were really into it, and my team turned out better than I can imagine! I mean really, what could be better than bright green wigs?? We as leaders, really connected with new kids and old kids, and it served as a great foundation for our ministry this semester.
2.) First club was crazy awesome!! I'd say there were about 50 kids packed into a basement. Then energy was sooo high and all of the kids were really into it, jamming out to songs, participating actively in games, and the biggest blessing was that they were so attentive during the talk, which by the way was absolutely incredible!
3.) The Lord gave me motivation to do work today! huuuuuuuuge answered prayer right there..
4.) It may sound silly, but a date to Fancy Dress. Now, i'm super pumped for FD(and my birthday might I add)!
5.) Boldness to go ask stores for donations for our Chi O chili cookoff. I was super nervous, but just walked in there and did it!
6.) I only got 5 hours of sleep last night, but wasn't tired today!
I could go on and on, but you get the point.. God answers prayer!
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, present your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6
I love this verse because it doesn't say good requests or important requests, but simply your requests. No request is too simple or silly to God. I love that I know that God doesn't laugh at me when I pray about it anything, even the miniscule stuff!
God, thanks for listening to me and blessing me so much with answered prayers!
The Lord has been ridiculously blessing me lately, so I thought I'd share just how He's been answering my prayers.
1.) Dodgeball tournament was soooo legit! Over 200 people were there total with parents, teachers, and faculty. All of the kids were really into it, and my team turned out better than I can imagine! I mean really, what could be better than bright green wigs?? We as leaders, really connected with new kids and old kids, and it served as a great foundation for our ministry this semester.
2.) First club was crazy awesome!! I'd say there were about 50 kids packed into a basement. Then energy was sooo high and all of the kids were really into it, jamming out to songs, participating actively in games, and the biggest blessing was that they were so attentive during the talk, which by the way was absolutely incredible!
3.) The Lord gave me motivation to do work today! huuuuuuuuge answered prayer right there..
4.) It may sound silly, but a date to Fancy Dress. Now, i'm super pumped for FD(and my birthday might I add)!
5.) Boldness to go ask stores for donations for our Chi O chili cookoff. I was super nervous, but just walked in there and did it!
6.) I only got 5 hours of sleep last night, but wasn't tired today!
I could go on and on, but you get the point.. God answers prayer!
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, present your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6
I love this verse because it doesn't say good requests or important requests, but simply your requests. No request is too simple or silly to God. I love that I know that God doesn't laugh at me when I pray about it anything, even the miniscule stuff!
God, thanks for listening to me and blessing me so much with answered prayers!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Beautiful Creation
This week has been absolutely beautiful and I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to enjoy God's creation. I have been frequenting my favorite spot in Lexington, Jordan's Point. Ever think that God has made certain things just for you? Well, that's how I feel about this place. I feel so peaceful there, so aware of the blessings the Lord has given me, and just plain joyful. I get giddy every time it is pretty enough to go there. My latest joy is running there. Since I quit tennis, I have started running more often and have come to really enjoy it. Running is so freeing, like the world is your playground. You don't need anything to go somewhere, but you. I know for so many people running is torturous, but for me it's a release and a time when I just get to marvel at the Lord's creation and hang out with Him. What better way to hang out with the Lord than in His creation? In Hebrews 4:13, it says, "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight." And I feel that when I'm running, I begin to be less blinded by the world and see more of the things that are so hidden from my view so many times. I yearn to see the world as God sees it, and I definitely thing that extends from seeing people as He sees them and creation as He sees it.
Lord, let me see the world as you see it. Thank you so much for the joy you bring me through Jordan's Point and running!
p.s. I'm off to the high school, then Jordan's Point again!! also.. we as Young Life leaders are hosting a dodgeball tournament tonight and over 150 kids have signed up! I'm on Team Leprechaun and can't wait to chunk some dodgeballs at people! Debrief on this coming soon!
Lord, let me see the world as you see it. Thank you so much for the joy you bring me through Jordan's Point and running!
p.s. I'm off to the high school, then Jordan's Point again!! also.. we as Young Life leaders are hosting a dodgeball tournament tonight and over 150 kids have signed up! I'm on Team Leprechaun and can't wait to chunk some dodgeballs at people! Debrief on this coming soon!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I like rules
I've always said that I hate rules, but recently, I've discovered that secretly, I love them. Rules are tangible. Something that I can easily wrap my mind around. I am good at following rules. Last night, however, one of my best friends set me in my tracks, when she uncovered that I love rules and specifically following the "rules" of Christianity more than I love my relationship with Christ. Ouch. It hurts. I'm not gonna lie. When the Lord convicts you like that especially by somebody that loves you so much, you know it's a big issue.
Rules are what I cling to, where I find my pride a lot of times. I am the rules queen. You tell me a rule and I'll follow it. Because I follow most of what I've considered the "rules" of Christianity, I have been WAY too prideful about my faith. I'm not gonna sugar coat this. Honestly, I have thought for a long time that I was a better Christian than other people just because I followed the "rules" of Christianity. I would tell you how strong a person was in their faith by how well they followed rules. I say all the time, oh yeah, I sin, which I know I do, but in my prideful thinking, I also think, but I don't sin as much as that person over there. It's a trap because my thinking that, is a sin in itself.
Also, I view following rules as part of my journey to perfection. And, yes, I was also convicted about this. I'm a goal setter and a planner. Pretty much in every area of my life, I set goals and then work to achieve them. I put my faith into this same category as well. But, again, I was convicted that I will never reach perfection. Yes, I want to strive to be like Christ, who is perfect, but I will always fall short. Faith is not a journey that ends. It is a continual process. A lot of this stuff I'm saying seems like common sense, and I say it all the time, thinking I believe it. However, when I actually thought about it, I realized I didn't, which was another problem.
So, now I'm hurt, I'm broken, but the Lord has already been gracious enough to give me peace about this, and motivate me to change my perspective.
2 Corinthians 12:9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Now, it's a tough thing to do, but I boast in my weakness. I am NOT perfect and I truly believe that now. I will NEVER be perfect. But, I don't have to be because Christ, who is perfect, died for me. His power is perfect in my weakness. For when I am weak, He is strong. Conviction stinks, but it's just the Lord's way of refining you, so I find joy in knowing that the Lord is refining me always.
Heavenly Father, thank you for humbling me even though it hurts. thank you for always refining me and never giving up on this prideful child of yours.
Rules are what I cling to, where I find my pride a lot of times. I am the rules queen. You tell me a rule and I'll follow it. Because I follow most of what I've considered the "rules" of Christianity, I have been WAY too prideful about my faith. I'm not gonna sugar coat this. Honestly, I have thought for a long time that I was a better Christian than other people just because I followed the "rules" of Christianity. I would tell you how strong a person was in their faith by how well they followed rules. I say all the time, oh yeah, I sin, which I know I do, but in my prideful thinking, I also think, but I don't sin as much as that person over there. It's a trap because my thinking that, is a sin in itself.
Also, I view following rules as part of my journey to perfection. And, yes, I was also convicted about this. I'm a goal setter and a planner. Pretty much in every area of my life, I set goals and then work to achieve them. I put my faith into this same category as well. But, again, I was convicted that I will never reach perfection. Yes, I want to strive to be like Christ, who is perfect, but I will always fall short. Faith is not a journey that ends. It is a continual process. A lot of this stuff I'm saying seems like common sense, and I say it all the time, thinking I believe it. However, when I actually thought about it, I realized I didn't, which was another problem.
So, now I'm hurt, I'm broken, but the Lord has already been gracious enough to give me peace about this, and motivate me to change my perspective.
2 Corinthians 12:9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Now, it's a tough thing to do, but I boast in my weakness. I am NOT perfect and I truly believe that now. I will NEVER be perfect. But, I don't have to be because Christ, who is perfect, died for me. His power is perfect in my weakness. For when I am weak, He is strong. Conviction stinks, but it's just the Lord's way of refining you, so I find joy in knowing that the Lord is refining me always.
Heavenly Father, thank you for humbling me even though it hurts. thank you for always refining me and never giving up on this prideful child of yours.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Mission Trip Debrief
As I said earlier, the mission trip was beyond belief wonderful! I had not been expecting much, but let me tell you, it delivered! Here's the break down day by day:
Saturday, February 20
We were scheduled to leave Lexington at 10. I got out to the quad at 10:02, thinking I was late, to only find 2 other people there. Thus, Lauren and I took a brief trip to McDonald's to get some breakfast and then by the time we got back, everyone was ready to leave by 10:30. We stopped in Winchester at noon for lunch, which was when I discovered I had left my entire purse with wallet, camera, and glasses in my car in Lexington. great. But, crazy enough, the Lord calmed my heart and I didn't worry about it too much. Thankfully, I had my phone,my W&L ID, and my phone, so at least I had something. Saturday, we move in to the CSM (Center for Student Missions) headquarters at a church in DC, go for Thai food at the Thaitanic (haha). Then, we just hung out, played mafia (best game ever especially with ridiculous characters), jammed out to Levi on the guitar, and just talked. Great low key night.
Sunday, February 21
We had the opportunity to go to the National Cathedral for church, which was awesome! They even introduced us in the service and the place was incredibly beautiful! It was cool to just be in a totally different kind of service than I'm used to. We then went for Mexican (which is actually the best Mexican I've had outside of Texas) with Chris and Hilary, W&L alums. Again, just a great time of fellowship. That afternoon, they just introduced the CSM program, rules, etc. and then we went on a prayer tour of the city that night. As part of the tour, we went to this breathtaking view where you could see the whole city, and just prayed for a city that looked so beautiful on the exterior, but was hurting so much on the interior. This night, we went for Ethiopian food! Not my taste, but I'm still so glad that I tried it. Then, back to the headquarters for more mafia and hanging out before going to sleep earlyish (12:30) because we had to get up at 5:30 for our service the next day.
Monday, February 22
Arose at 5:45 after apparently my watch had gone off and I told Abby I wasn't waking up. haha.. I don't remember that at all. Anyways, we then left for SOME (So Others Might Eat), a soup kitchen in downtown DC to serve breakfast and lunch. My serving group was so legit and Steve truly did a great job in picking the groups to serve the specific people each would serve. Mine included Eric, Luke, Will, Abigail, Lauren, me with our fearless leader Steve. For breakfast, Luke and I served as dishwashing dominators. We had so much fun and needless to say, those dishes were completely dominated! We served over 300 people for breakfast and I loved the way the SOME workers were just incredibly joyful and really treated the people they served incredibly well. Everything was incredibly clean with floral arrangements on tables, and it basically just felt like a really nice cafeteria. Then, we had a Bible Study at 9:30 followed by most of us crashing with our heads on the table for an hour nap before we served lunch. For lunch, we all served on the serving line, which was so fun and took a lot of teamwork. This is when I met Michelle, who has one of the most joyful spirits I have ever seen. She was the supervisor of SOME and probably knew at least 50% of the people we served by name. They all loved her and she loved them. By the end of the day, she knew all of our names and even teased us like we were her own nieces and nephews. She called me T-Mobile girl because I talked so fast! haha.. Also, side fact is that this is the same soup kitchen that the Obamas served at on MLK day in January. Then, in the afternoon, we went to the Fishing School, which is an after school program for inner-city schools. We went to their headquarters, which has just been redone by Extreme Makeover in August and it was absolutely beautiful! After an introduction to the program, we headed for an elementary school where we were divided into 2s and sent into classrooms with about 15 kids. I had a 4th grade class and I absolutely loved loving on these kids! They were incredible kids, who really just desired affection and attention, and I was there to give it to them. We ran games about multiplication, homonyms, and fractions and just helped with homework. Then, that night we went out to the Vietnamese hub of all of the East Coast. There were over 120 shops, restaurants, etc. and I loved the Vietnamese food! And of course, then back to the church for more hanging out and mafia!
Tuesday, February 23
We got to sleep in all the way 'til 7:15! haha.. then, we had a morning Bible study and headed for DC Central Kitchen, which is a program that takes leftover food from restaurants, grocery stores, etc. and makes it into meals for area homeless shelters, school programs, etc. It truly taught me what service is. At SOME, we saw the faces of the people we were serving, which was so rewarding. Here, we were just making food for people we would never see. Steve, a CSM leader and I literally made over 400 croissant sandwiches, prepared pasta for over 400 people, and carved turkeys. I realized just how hard straight service is. I'm glad I got to do that though as it definitely checked where my heart for service was. In the afternoon, we were back at the Fishing School, where the kids ran up to us as soon as they saw us and it was really hard to leave. I was already attached to my 4th graders. That night, we took the Urban plunge, which was where we were each given 2 dollars, left in Union Station, and told among our group of 3 to feed ourselves, a homeless person, and find out where we would find medical care, eat, sleep, etc. if we were homeless in DC. My group, which was Will, Kate, and I, worked out perfectly, because Will was willing to barter with food places for lower prices, while Kate and I went up and initiated conversation with different homeless people. The first woman, that we talked to, we found digging through a trash can near the food court. Her name was Deborah, and she was so helpful! She just talked and talked and talked to us. She even offered her own change to us even though she had so little! She truly showed me what it means to give selflessly! After bartering, we got a plate of Indian rice with curry sauce, 2 chicken soft tacos, and a beef taco. Upon advice from Deborah, we found a homeless shelter and started talking to Jackie, a homeless woman probably in her 60s. As soon as we started talking to her, she gave us her seat and stood up without even thinking about it. Again, she gave selflessly of what little she had. She was a character, I tell you. We're pretty sure she had dementia, but I loved listening to her tell us that she was about to go to Princeton, how great her kids were, and how I shouldn't get married until I was 50.. haha.. probably some good advice. At the end, we even got the chance to ask her if she wanted us to pray for anything. She said she wasn't that kind of religious, but still it was cool that we got to witness to her in that way. We then prayed for her and all of the homeless people in DC as we walked back to Union Station.
Wednesday, February 24
We debriefed on the whole trip and headed off for the rest of our Feb breaks.
Things I'm taking from the trip:
1.) A different perspective of the homeless- Will I give money to homeless people on the street now? No. What I will do though is stop and talk to them. I learned that every person has a story and needs to be heard and loved no matter who you are.
2.) The realization of just how blessed I am- We hear it every day that we're blessed, but I now take every meal I eat and truly thank the Lord I have it. I also thank the Lord for people that listen to me and love me.
3.) Closer friends- The Lord definitely had His hand in who would come on this trip. I became closer to every single person on the trip and admire all of their hearts for service. I especially think it was great that none of my best friends came on the trip because it forced me to get to know other people, and now I'm so thankful for the close friendships I have from the trip that I would have never had.
Lord, thank you for this amazing trip. Let the things I learned not be something I take with me for just these next few weeks, but something that translates into my entire life.
Saturday, February 20
We were scheduled to leave Lexington at 10. I got out to the quad at 10:02, thinking I was late, to only find 2 other people there. Thus, Lauren and I took a brief trip to McDonald's to get some breakfast and then by the time we got back, everyone was ready to leave by 10:30. We stopped in Winchester at noon for lunch, which was when I discovered I had left my entire purse with wallet, camera, and glasses in my car in Lexington. great. But, crazy enough, the Lord calmed my heart and I didn't worry about it too much. Thankfully, I had my phone,my W&L ID, and my phone, so at least I had something. Saturday, we move in to the CSM (Center for Student Missions) headquarters at a church in DC, go for Thai food at the Thaitanic (haha). Then, we just hung out, played mafia (best game ever especially with ridiculous characters), jammed out to Levi on the guitar, and just talked. Great low key night.
Sunday, February 21
We had the opportunity to go to the National Cathedral for church, which was awesome! They even introduced us in the service and the place was incredibly beautiful! It was cool to just be in a totally different kind of service than I'm used to. We then went for Mexican (which is actually the best Mexican I've had outside of Texas) with Chris and Hilary, W&L alums. Again, just a great time of fellowship. That afternoon, they just introduced the CSM program, rules, etc. and then we went on a prayer tour of the city that night. As part of the tour, we went to this breathtaking view where you could see the whole city, and just prayed for a city that looked so beautiful on the exterior, but was hurting so much on the interior. This night, we went for Ethiopian food! Not my taste, but I'm still so glad that I tried it. Then, back to the headquarters for more mafia and hanging out before going to sleep earlyish (12:30) because we had to get up at 5:30 for our service the next day.
Monday, February 22
Arose at 5:45 after apparently my watch had gone off and I told Abby I wasn't waking up. haha.. I don't remember that at all. Anyways, we then left for SOME (So Others Might Eat), a soup kitchen in downtown DC to serve breakfast and lunch. My serving group was so legit and Steve truly did a great job in picking the groups to serve the specific people each would serve. Mine included Eric, Luke, Will, Abigail, Lauren, me with our fearless leader Steve. For breakfast, Luke and I served as dishwashing dominators. We had so much fun and needless to say, those dishes were completely dominated! We served over 300 people for breakfast and I loved the way the SOME workers were just incredibly joyful and really treated the people they served incredibly well. Everything was incredibly clean with floral arrangements on tables, and it basically just felt like a really nice cafeteria. Then, we had a Bible Study at 9:30 followed by most of us crashing with our heads on the table for an hour nap before we served lunch. For lunch, we all served on the serving line, which was so fun and took a lot of teamwork. This is when I met Michelle, who has one of the most joyful spirits I have ever seen. She was the supervisor of SOME and probably knew at least 50% of the people we served by name. They all loved her and she loved them. By the end of the day, she knew all of our names and even teased us like we were her own nieces and nephews. She called me T-Mobile girl because I talked so fast! haha.. Also, side fact is that this is the same soup kitchen that the Obamas served at on MLK day in January. Then, in the afternoon, we went to the Fishing School, which is an after school program for inner-city schools. We went to their headquarters, which has just been redone by Extreme Makeover in August and it was absolutely beautiful! After an introduction to the program, we headed for an elementary school where we were divided into 2s and sent into classrooms with about 15 kids. I had a 4th grade class and I absolutely loved loving on these kids! They were incredible kids, who really just desired affection and attention, and I was there to give it to them. We ran games about multiplication, homonyms, and fractions and just helped with homework. Then, that night we went out to the Vietnamese hub of all of the East Coast. There were over 120 shops, restaurants, etc. and I loved the Vietnamese food! And of course, then back to the church for more hanging out and mafia!
Tuesday, February 23
We got to sleep in all the way 'til 7:15! haha.. then, we had a morning Bible study and headed for DC Central Kitchen, which is a program that takes leftover food from restaurants, grocery stores, etc. and makes it into meals for area homeless shelters, school programs, etc. It truly taught me what service is. At SOME, we saw the faces of the people we were serving, which was so rewarding. Here, we were just making food for people we would never see. Steve, a CSM leader and I literally made over 400 croissant sandwiches, prepared pasta for over 400 people, and carved turkeys. I realized just how hard straight service is. I'm glad I got to do that though as it definitely checked where my heart for service was. In the afternoon, we were back at the Fishing School, where the kids ran up to us as soon as they saw us and it was really hard to leave. I was already attached to my 4th graders. That night, we took the Urban plunge, which was where we were each given 2 dollars, left in Union Station, and told among our group of 3 to feed ourselves, a homeless person, and find out where we would find medical care, eat, sleep, etc. if we were homeless in DC. My group, which was Will, Kate, and I, worked out perfectly, because Will was willing to barter with food places for lower prices, while Kate and I went up and initiated conversation with different homeless people. The first woman, that we talked to, we found digging through a trash can near the food court. Her name was Deborah, and she was so helpful! She just talked and talked and talked to us. She even offered her own change to us even though she had so little! She truly showed me what it means to give selflessly! After bartering, we got a plate of Indian rice with curry sauce, 2 chicken soft tacos, and a beef taco. Upon advice from Deborah, we found a homeless shelter and started talking to Jackie, a homeless woman probably in her 60s. As soon as we started talking to her, she gave us her seat and stood up without even thinking about it. Again, she gave selflessly of what little she had. She was a character, I tell you. We're pretty sure she had dementia, but I loved listening to her tell us that she was about to go to Princeton, how great her kids were, and how I shouldn't get married until I was 50.. haha.. probably some good advice. At the end, we even got the chance to ask her if she wanted us to pray for anything. She said she wasn't that kind of religious, but still it was cool that we got to witness to her in that way. We then prayed for her and all of the homeless people in DC as we walked back to Union Station.
Wednesday, February 24
We debriefed on the whole trip and headed off for the rest of our Feb breaks.
Things I'm taking from the trip:
1.) A different perspective of the homeless- Will I give money to homeless people on the street now? No. What I will do though is stop and talk to them. I learned that every person has a story and needs to be heard and loved no matter who you are.
2.) The realization of just how blessed I am- We hear it every day that we're blessed, but I now take every meal I eat and truly thank the Lord I have it. I also thank the Lord for people that listen to me and love me.
3.) Closer friends- The Lord definitely had His hand in who would come on this trip. I became closer to every single person on the trip and admire all of their hearts for service. I especially think it was great that none of my best friends came on the trip because it forced me to get to know other people, and now I'm so thankful for the close friendships I have from the trip that I would have never had.
Lord, thank you for this amazing trip. Let the things I learned not be something I take with me for just these next few weeks, but something that translates into my entire life.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Loved and Loving
more to come later, but..
my mission trip to DC was IN-CRED-I-BLE!!!
seriously, some of the 4 most wonderful, eye-opening, perspective-changing, fun days of my life.
The Lord gave me a week where I felt completely loved, which I really needed after the previous week where I had been feeling neglected. He definitely had His hand in choosing the people to go on the trip because I could not have asked for a better, more cohesive group. I think the reason it worked so well is that we had a very diverse group of people where everyone was very welcoming and no one separated off into cliques.
I learned truly how to love people no matter what state they are in. I learned that everyone has a story and needs to be heard. I learned that everyone needs and yearns for love. The system breaks people, but God cares for people. Thus, as Christians, we are to care for people.
Lord, let me see people as you see them and love them as you love them.
my mission trip to DC was IN-CRED-I-BLE!!!
seriously, some of the 4 most wonderful, eye-opening, perspective-changing, fun days of my life.
The Lord gave me a week where I felt completely loved, which I really needed after the previous week where I had been feeling neglected. He definitely had His hand in choosing the people to go on the trip because I could not have asked for a better, more cohesive group. I think the reason it worked so well is that we had a very diverse group of people where everyone was very welcoming and no one separated off into cliques.
I learned truly how to love people no matter what state they are in. I learned that everyone has a story and needs to be heard. I learned that everyone needs and yearns for love. The system breaks people, but God cares for people. Thus, as Christians, we are to care for people.
Lord, let me see people as you see them and love them as you love them.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Never Neglected
Ever feel just neglected even when you know you are very loved? I feel almost selfish feeling like this because I know I have more people that love me well than so many people around the world, but this week has just been a bit of a rough week for me. And the saddest part is, I need to follow my own advice about not being offended by anything. I know that the people that I have felt neglected by this week did not mean to neglect me at all. In fact, they don't even know that I feel neglected by them because of course, I put on the happy face for everyone. But, you know the good thing about this kinda low week? You better believe I've been calling on the Lord. "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5
God has been listening to a lot of me this week, and I love that I know He hears me. He's definitely drawing me closer to Him through this tough time. I hate it that this usually happens though. Whenever I'm down, me and Jesus are in a constant convo, but then when things start going well, I start going back to relying on myself. I am so thankful that I know that I have a God that will never leave me and will be there whenever I need Him. I honestly don't understand how people make it through life without God because especially in rough times, He is my strength and there is no way I would make it through without Him. So, I'm off to spend some time with the One who is always there for me, even when I feel like others aren't.
Lord, Thank you so much for never leaving me! Thank you for this trial in my life even though I don't enjoy it because you have brought me to your feet. Let me continue to stay there no matter how bad or good life is.
God has been listening to a lot of me this week, and I love that I know He hears me. He's definitely drawing me closer to Him through this tough time. I hate it that this usually happens though. Whenever I'm down, me and Jesus are in a constant convo, but then when things start going well, I start going back to relying on myself. I am so thankful that I know that I have a God that will never leave me and will be there whenever I need Him. I honestly don't understand how people make it through life without God because especially in rough times, He is my strength and there is no way I would make it through without Him. So, I'm off to spend some time with the One who is always there for me, even when I feel like others aren't.
Lord, Thank you so much for never leaving me! Thank you for this trial in my life even though I don't enjoy it because you have brought me to your feet. Let me continue to stay there no matter how bad or good life is.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The Journey to Contentment
Content. Sometimes I think I'm the most content person in the world. While other times, like today, I feel so discontent. For the past 2 1/2 years I have been at school, it has been a constant prayer for me to be content. Senior year of high school, I felt on top of the world. I was #1 in my class, #1 on the tennis team, queen of a lot of organizations, had the best two friends, Austin and Omar, in the world, and a ridiculously awesome family. I was content. But, why was I content? I learned the hard way once I got to college that I had been content because everything was going my way.
I got to W&L thinking that nothing would change. I thought I could still rule the world just from a different location. Boy, was I wrong! I came onto a national champion tennis team where I was nowhere close to being at the top of the lineup. My grades were average at best. I was a quiet member of a few organizations. I felt so lonely without my two best friends to hang out with on weekends when everyone else was going out to parties and drinking. And, I didn't want to tell my family that I was having a rough time because I didn't want them to worry.
Now, I don't want this to sound like a pity party because I am actually really glad I had that tough time looking back on it! I gained so much independence that I don't think would have ever been formed without a tough time like that. Because everything had gone my way for so much of my life, I had never had to be independent. I depended on my parents and friends, and everything worked out at that time! Then, college came and a crazy and great thing happened, I not only had to rely on myself, I was forced to rely on the Lord even if it was because I had no other choice!
These past two summers have been huge personal growth summers for me. I worked at a Christian camp in Texas with 8th and 9th graders. I wanted to work there because I had been going to camp there my whole life, wanted to prove I could do it, and it didn't hurt that there were many ridiculously Godly men who were serving as counselors, too. But, the Lord had me there for another reason. I got the worst acne I had ever had in my entire life summer 2008. I was forced to find contentment in the Lord because I sure wasn't content in the way I was looking. Even though it was tough, I grew so much in my dependence on the Lord. I realized I didn't just want the Lord, I NEED the Lord! I had never yearned for the Lord, and I truly yearned for Him! And, working with 8th and 9th grade girls, I could truly relate to a lot of the issues they were facing because I was facing them with them! The Lord definitely used something I hated for His glory! Then summer 2009, I went back to camp this time with better motives. Again, the Lord transformed me when I thought I was a pro at this whole being a counselor thing. He taught me, that His timing is truly sovereign, even when it's not my timing. 3rd week into camp, I came down sick with the flu. I was frustrated because I wanted to be at camp, but I was forced to go home and recooperate. In the Lord's timing, it was just the week my brother ,who is exploring many faiths, had come home from Argentina after 6 months studying abroad. It was such a sweet time to really bond and love my brother even from my sick bed. Then, I went back to camp and 2 1/2 weeks later, I again came down sick. This time, with the oh so infamous, swine flu. That's right, both strains of the flu, within two weeks. It was a rough summer on my body. I was really, really frustrated. The cabin I currently had was the best cabin I had ever had, and I wanted to finish out the week with these incredible girls. But again, I was forced to go home to recooperate. The very night of the day I went home, my oldest brother calls, and surprises us all that he just got engaged! I would have not been home or heard about it if I had not gotten sick! Lord's timing is so perfect! Thank you Lord for letting your timing be better than mine!
Anyways, all of this to say, the Lord continues to work on me being content in Him and only Him. No matter if I'm making good grades, dominating at tennis, or whatever else I deem as successful, I can be content because I have Him and I know that I'm going to be spending eternity with Him!
"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content!"
Philippians 4:11
Will I ever reach the destination of contentment? Probably not. Do I love it when the Lord works on me to push me to be content in Him? Absolutely not. Do I love the way He has grown me in contentment in the past couple of years? Absolutely yes. I guess, I'll continue on the journey, knowing that contentment in Him and only Him is so sweet.
Lord, let me be content in you no matter if I'm on top of the world or in the deepest valleys. Thank you for continuing to work on such an imperfect, discontent person like me.
I got to W&L thinking that nothing would change. I thought I could still rule the world just from a different location. Boy, was I wrong! I came onto a national champion tennis team where I was nowhere close to being at the top of the lineup. My grades were average at best. I was a quiet member of a few organizations. I felt so lonely without my two best friends to hang out with on weekends when everyone else was going out to parties and drinking. And, I didn't want to tell my family that I was having a rough time because I didn't want them to worry.
Now, I don't want this to sound like a pity party because I am actually really glad I had that tough time looking back on it! I gained so much independence that I don't think would have ever been formed without a tough time like that. Because everything had gone my way for so much of my life, I had never had to be independent. I depended on my parents and friends, and everything worked out at that time! Then, college came and a crazy and great thing happened, I not only had to rely on myself, I was forced to rely on the Lord even if it was because I had no other choice!
These past two summers have been huge personal growth summers for me. I worked at a Christian camp in Texas with 8th and 9th graders. I wanted to work there because I had been going to camp there my whole life, wanted to prove I could do it, and it didn't hurt that there were many ridiculously Godly men who were serving as counselors, too. But, the Lord had me there for another reason. I got the worst acne I had ever had in my entire life summer 2008. I was forced to find contentment in the Lord because I sure wasn't content in the way I was looking. Even though it was tough, I grew so much in my dependence on the Lord. I realized I didn't just want the Lord, I NEED the Lord! I had never yearned for the Lord, and I truly yearned for Him! And, working with 8th and 9th grade girls, I could truly relate to a lot of the issues they were facing because I was facing them with them! The Lord definitely used something I hated for His glory! Then summer 2009, I went back to camp this time with better motives. Again, the Lord transformed me when I thought I was a pro at this whole being a counselor thing. He taught me, that His timing is truly sovereign, even when it's not my timing. 3rd week into camp, I came down sick with the flu. I was frustrated because I wanted to be at camp, but I was forced to go home and recooperate. In the Lord's timing, it was just the week my brother ,who is exploring many faiths, had come home from Argentina after 6 months studying abroad. It was such a sweet time to really bond and love my brother even from my sick bed. Then, I went back to camp and 2 1/2 weeks later, I again came down sick. This time, with the oh so infamous, swine flu. That's right, both strains of the flu, within two weeks. It was a rough summer on my body. I was really, really frustrated. The cabin I currently had was the best cabin I had ever had, and I wanted to finish out the week with these incredible girls. But again, I was forced to go home to recooperate. The very night of the day I went home, my oldest brother calls, and surprises us all that he just got engaged! I would have not been home or heard about it if I had not gotten sick! Lord's timing is so perfect! Thank you Lord for letting your timing be better than mine!
Anyways, all of this to say, the Lord continues to work on me being content in Him and only Him. No matter if I'm making good grades, dominating at tennis, or whatever else I deem as successful, I can be content because I have Him and I know that I'm going to be spending eternity with Him!
"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content!"
Philippians 4:11
Will I ever reach the destination of contentment? Probably not. Do I love it when the Lord works on me to push me to be content in Him? Absolutely not. Do I love the way He has grown me in contentment in the past couple of years? Absolutely yes. I guess, I'll continue on the journey, knowing that contentment in Him and only Him is so sweet.
Lord, let me be content in you no matter if I'm on top of the world or in the deepest valleys. Thank you for continuing to work on such an imperfect, discontent person like me.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Offended by nothing
So, this is a little tangent off of my study into little known books. I'm still doing it, but something that the Lord has really been placing on my heart lately is a quote that aruably the wisest woman I know said. This woman, Mrs. Farris, has been like a grandmother to me since all my grandmothers passed away by the time I was 13. Every week after church, she wants to know all about my life and how my week has been. I always know that once the service ends, I will see her beautifully dyed bright red hair walk the three or so rows back to come see me (yay for having our assigned pew at church!) She always tells me she's so proud of me, and has the biggest heart for people I have ever seen. I look forward to going back to my home church for many reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is I know Mrs. Farris will be there with open arms and a listening ear.
Now, to her profound statement:
"What if we just never took offense to anything anybody said to us or about us?"
W-O-W! This is huge! It may seem simple on the surface, but it could seriously change our world. I know it has definitely started to change mine! Really though, what good does being offended do? It only hurts you and causes you pain while causing anger toward another person. On top of that, how many times do we feel offended, and find out later that the person didn't mean it the way we took it? How many girly cat fights would cease? How much happier could our lives be? I know lately I have consciously been making the effort to stop myself when I feel offended by something. It has really allowed me not only to feel less ill-will towards others, but really helped me put myself in the shoes of others. Even if someone did mean to offend you, why did they say that? Is there something going on in their life that has hurt them and caused them to feel anger towards you? Honestly, offense is such a viscious cycle. One person is hurt by something someone else said, so then they go hurt someone else, and so on and so forth. I say let's put a stop to it. There is absolutely no reason to be offended. It does no good!
And honestly, if we look at our Father, if He took offense to every time we hurt Him by sinning, He would be a sad, sad God. I mean, after all, He didn't even take offense to being killed on a cross, but knew the killers' motivation behind it and saw their sinful hearts. If we're truly seeking to look more like Christ, I think especially as a girl, not taking offense to things, could be a huge step. Don't get me wrong. It's not easy, but it is so freeing not to have grudges against people or be mad at them. I know I'm gonna take a stand against this one hurtful word at a time.
Hey God! Give me your eyes to see the hearts of people, so that I will not take offense to anything. Let me love them like you love them!
Now, to her profound statement:
"What if we just never took offense to anything anybody said to us or about us?"
W-O-W! This is huge! It may seem simple on the surface, but it could seriously change our world. I know it has definitely started to change mine! Really though, what good does being offended do? It only hurts you and causes you pain while causing anger toward another person. On top of that, how many times do we feel offended, and find out later that the person didn't mean it the way we took it? How many girly cat fights would cease? How much happier could our lives be? I know lately I have consciously been making the effort to stop myself when I feel offended by something. It has really allowed me not only to feel less ill-will towards others, but really helped me put myself in the shoes of others. Even if someone did mean to offend you, why did they say that? Is there something going on in their life that has hurt them and caused them to feel anger towards you? Honestly, offense is such a viscious cycle. One person is hurt by something someone else said, so then they go hurt someone else, and so on and so forth. I say let's put a stop to it. There is absolutely no reason to be offended. It does no good!
And honestly, if we look at our Father, if He took offense to every time we hurt Him by sinning, He would be a sad, sad God. I mean, after all, He didn't even take offense to being killed on a cross, but knew the killers' motivation behind it and saw their sinful hearts. If we're truly seeking to look more like Christ, I think especially as a girl, not taking offense to things, could be a huge step. Don't get me wrong. It's not easy, but it is so freeing not to have grudges against people or be mad at them. I know I'm gonna take a stand against this one hurtful word at a time.
Hey God! Give me your eyes to see the hearts of people, so that I will not take offense to anything. Let me love them like you love them!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Deceiving Myself
Next on my excursion was 1 John. I feel like I've done some really deep Bible Studies on the entire book of John (thank you Pine Cove!), but I couldn't tell you one thing that was said in 1,2, and 3 John. That could be because I've only ever skimmed over them or because I have a horrible comprehension rate while reading (thus, why I'm a math major), but either way I was pumped to see what these three books are about. I feel like every day I'm getting hit hard with conviction about different areas of my life while I'm doing this excursion through little known books. Who would have known these little books packed so much punch???
I'm just doing a chapter a night to try to really dig deep into this stuff. Honestly, for me to really comprehend what I'm reading, I have to read it a few (or several) times. So chapter1 it was last night. It's a very short chapter that talks a lot about darkness and light and how there is no darkness in God. From its discussion on darkness, I realized just how dark I am. Verses 8 and 10 really hit me hard.
They say, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and truth is not in us. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us." John definitely calls me right out. I feel like he is talking directly to me. My whole life, at least since I can remember, I have been the "good girl", who doesn't do anything "bad." I have successfully deceived a lot of the people I know into this image. But, what hurts most is that I now realize I am not only deceiving those around me, but myself. Urbana helped me release a lot of the deception I have been holding inside me for a long time, but it continues to be a struggle. Deception is especially hard to let go because the majority of the time that I have deceived people, they have NO idea. To confess to lying to someone that doesn't know they've been lied to is like making a new wound that was never there. On the other hand, without confession, the wound lies within me. And also what's hard about lying is that the natural progression of lying causes one lie to turn into hundreds before you even realize it! Not only am I myself a liar, but I making the King of Kings a liar by deceiving the world into thinking that I don't "sin." Why do I do this? How do I justify such an awful thing?
I had a big revelation back in November that I value following the so-called "rules of Christianity" more than I do the actual relationship aspect of the Lord. Would I ever admit to this? No. But, the more I looked at my life and the way I spent my time with the Lord, I realized that I think people are better Christians if they are following my perception of the "rules of Christianity." The things that frustrate me the most are when Christians don't follow the rules, but do I ever think about how much time they're spending with the Lord daily? It's a constant battle for me now to reprogram my brain into putting relationship with the Lord higher than rules. Besides, rules mean absolutely nothing if you don't have a relationship. Don't get me wrong. I still think the closer you get to Christ, the more you'll want to follow His law, but I was just following rules without deepening my relationship with the Lord.
Lord, help me be honest with you and not deceive myself or the world of who I am. Let me value my relationship with you higher than any set of rules.
I'm just doing a chapter a night to try to really dig deep into this stuff. Honestly, for me to really comprehend what I'm reading, I have to read it a few (or several) times. So chapter1 it was last night. It's a very short chapter that talks a lot about darkness and light and how there is no darkness in God. From its discussion on darkness, I realized just how dark I am. Verses 8 and 10 really hit me hard.
They say, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and truth is not in us. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us." John definitely calls me right out. I feel like he is talking directly to me. My whole life, at least since I can remember, I have been the "good girl", who doesn't do anything "bad." I have successfully deceived a lot of the people I know into this image. But, what hurts most is that I now realize I am not only deceiving those around me, but myself. Urbana helped me release a lot of the deception I have been holding inside me for a long time, but it continues to be a struggle. Deception is especially hard to let go because the majority of the time that I have deceived people, they have NO idea. To confess to lying to someone that doesn't know they've been lied to is like making a new wound that was never there. On the other hand, without confession, the wound lies within me. And also what's hard about lying is that the natural progression of lying causes one lie to turn into hundreds before you even realize it! Not only am I myself a liar, but I making the King of Kings a liar by deceiving the world into thinking that I don't "sin." Why do I do this? How do I justify such an awful thing?
I had a big revelation back in November that I value following the so-called "rules of Christianity" more than I do the actual relationship aspect of the Lord. Would I ever admit to this? No. But, the more I looked at my life and the way I spent my time with the Lord, I realized that I think people are better Christians if they are following my perception of the "rules of Christianity." The things that frustrate me the most are when Christians don't follow the rules, but do I ever think about how much time they're spending with the Lord daily? It's a constant battle for me now to reprogram my brain into putting relationship with the Lord higher than rules. Besides, rules mean absolutely nothing if you don't have a relationship. Don't get me wrong. I still think the closer you get to Christ, the more you'll want to follow His law, but I was just following rules without deepening my relationship with the Lord.
Lord, help me be honest with you and not deceive myself or the world of who I am. Let me value my relationship with you higher than any set of rules.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Faultless
In another excursion to an obscure book, I read Jude last night. I REALLY like Jude. I feel like he calls a lot of Christians and people out about distorting Christianity and taking it out of context and such. I love it because I think this needs to be done a lot more today because of how distorted Christianity has become on TV, media, etc. Basically, I give props to Jude for being bold especially since being bold scares the heck out of me.
I also love that while Jude calls people out on distorting the Truth, he also finishes by saying that we are faultless if we have Christ. Verse 24 says, " Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy." It's so comforting to think that because Jesus died, He covered over our sins and we are going to be presented faultless before God! This blows my mind! I also find it so powerful that He can keep us from stumbling. I feel like when everything is going right for me, I believe this. Oh yeah! He keeps me from stumbling, but on a day like today, when I'm feeling a bit under the weather, I use my sickness as a reason to stumble. I rationalize not being selfless or complaining or really, almost anything to my sickness. When really, He is able to keep us from stumbling no matter what condition we are in. And finally, I love that not only are we presented faultless before Him, we are presented with 'exceeding joy.' Why would anyone want to present an ugly gift with joy? But wait, we are not an ugly gift. We are a FAULTLESS, BEAUTIFUL gift and that's why we are presented with exceeding joy.
Hey God! Thanks for allowing me to be faultless before you even though I'm very faultful especially on a day like today.
I also love that while Jude calls people out on distorting the Truth, he also finishes by saying that we are faultless if we have Christ. Verse 24 says, " Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy." It's so comforting to think that because Jesus died, He covered over our sins and we are going to be presented faultless before God! This blows my mind! I also find it so powerful that He can keep us from stumbling. I feel like when everything is going right for me, I believe this. Oh yeah! He keeps me from stumbling, but on a day like today, when I'm feeling a bit under the weather, I use my sickness as a reason to stumble. I rationalize not being selfless or complaining or really, almost anything to my sickness. When really, He is able to keep us from stumbling no matter what condition we are in. And finally, I love that not only are we presented faultless before Him, we are presented with 'exceeding joy.' Why would anyone want to present an ugly gift with joy? But wait, we are not an ugly gift. We are a FAULTLESS, BEAUTIFUL gift and that's why we are presented with exceeding joy.
Hey God! Thanks for allowing me to be faultless before you even though I'm very faultful especially on a day like today.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Only Good in Christ
Lately, I've been trying to read out of some of the more obscure books in the Bible that I have never really read and have no idea about. I realized that I've maybe read a little over half the Bible and perhaps only understand a fraction of that. How do I stand so strongly for something if I know so little about it? This made me really think. I'm now on a quest to get to know some of these little known books.
Yesterday, I decided I would try Philemon. The basic summary of it is that Paul is writing a letter to Philemon asking him to take back Onesimus, a slave who had run away and since, become a Christian. Basically, it's a huge call for forgiveness from Paul to Philemon on Onesimus's behalf.
I like the message, but the verse that really got me was verse 6, which says, "that the sharing of your faith may become effective by acknowledgement of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus." Woah there, Paul! Are you saying that nothing I do is good without Christ?? Now, that's a definite knife to the ego.
This really hit me hard because one of my biggest struggles is pride. Since I was little, I was told I was the best and have had no reason to believe that I'm not. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that my parents always encouraged me and believed in me. I wouldn't have accomplished many things in my life if they hadn't told me I was the best. And, I'm glad I'm positive and believe in myself. But, so many times I pat myself on the back, and congratulate myself for doing well on that test or being nice to that person when I didn't want to. What it comes down to though is the reason I did well on that test is because God gave me the discipline to study and gave me a functioning brain. The reason I was able to be nice to that person is because God chose me and chose to transform my life for Him. I could very well be addicted to drugs or sleeping around, but God chose me. He could have chosen someone else. The reason I am able to be good at all despite all the times I am so evil to this world is because He is in me, not because I am in me.
Heavenly Father, work on my pride even though I cling on to it so much and help me realize each good thing is only from you. Amen
Yesterday, I decided I would try Philemon. The basic summary of it is that Paul is writing a letter to Philemon asking him to take back Onesimus, a slave who had run away and since, become a Christian. Basically, it's a huge call for forgiveness from Paul to Philemon on Onesimus's behalf.
I like the message, but the verse that really got me was verse 6, which says, "that the sharing of your faith may become effective by acknowledgement of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus." Woah there, Paul! Are you saying that nothing I do is good without Christ?? Now, that's a definite knife to the ego.
This really hit me hard because one of my biggest struggles is pride. Since I was little, I was told I was the best and have had no reason to believe that I'm not. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that my parents always encouraged me and believed in me. I wouldn't have accomplished many things in my life if they hadn't told me I was the best. And, I'm glad I'm positive and believe in myself. But, so many times I pat myself on the back, and congratulate myself for doing well on that test or being nice to that person when I didn't want to. What it comes down to though is the reason I did well on that test is because God gave me the discipline to study and gave me a functioning brain. The reason I was able to be nice to that person is because God chose me and chose to transform my life for Him. I could very well be addicted to drugs or sleeping around, but God chose me. He could have chosen someone else. The reason I am able to be good at all despite all the times I am so evil to this world is because He is in me, not because I am in me.
Heavenly Father, work on my pride even though I cling on to it so much and help me realize each good thing is only from you. Amen
Saturday, January 30, 2010
My Big Surrender
So.. Can I just say that the Lord has been ridiculously blessing me lately?
Not that he doesn't always, but lately, he has blessed me with clarity, something that I seem to always be praying for. I am such a planner and want to plan out every second of every day and want to know what I'll be doing for the next five years right now.
I have learned along the way really what the Word means when it says "He will be a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." Sometimes He shows us just a lamp unto our feet, showing us just where to take the next step. And sometimes He shows us a light to a longer path. I've learned to be thankful to the lamp and the light, but my planning self still constantly seeks the light.
Over Christmas break, man did the Lord give me the light. How freeing and terrifying was this light!! There are certain things I pray for every night: my family, my friends, my Young Life kids, my witness, my future husband but I would say the majority of my prayers get taken up by me praying and agonizing to the Lord about future plans. Future, future, future. Where am I going to be in five years? What am I going to be doing? What is going to be my mission field and on and on and on? On December 31st, the Lord answered those prayers about my future and my life will never be the same.
Working back from December 31st before the big surrender:
My whole life I have been driven for success. Be the best tennis player. Be the best student. Be the best club president. And for me this meant having a clear life plan and life goals. Since the 7th grade after reading "Financial Peace"(still my favorite book to this day), I was going to be a financial planner. No second guessing, that was my life plan and my life goal was to open a Christian financial planning firm. Throughout high school, I worked hard at school to get into a good college where I knew I'd major in something finance related. Once in college, I decided that degrees in math and accounting would be my perfect segway to get into financial planning.
After my sophomore year of college is when things started to change. I started to actual realize I would be graduated in two years and have to be a financial planner for the rest of my life. Seriously, I had never really thought what that would mean and if I would actually enjoy it. I started to doubt that that was my life plan and honestly, I realized I had never asked the Lord if that was his plan for me. I started to pray hard about just what my future career should be. What was He calling me to do? The fall of this past year, I was in a lot of turmoil, was he calling me to stick it out with my math and accounting degrees and just do what I had always thought I was going to do? Was he calling me to speech therapy? Should I become an actuary? I didn't know and I continued to pray. Along with this, I was trying to make the huge decision as if I should quit Young Life or tennis or keep exhausting myself and do both. Christmas came and I knew decision time about Young Life and tennis was getting closer as tennis season started at the end of January. I prayed and I weighed all the pros and cons. I was convinced one day I was gonna quit tennis. The next day I was for sure quitting Young Life. And another day I was gonna continue to do both.
Then, I went to Urbana, a missions conference with over 15000 people from all over the world. I didn't go with a willing or open heart. Honestly, I didn't want to leave my family at home as I selfishly treasure that time so much especially since I live 1000 miles away from home 9 months a year. I went because I felt like I should and was sort of peer pressured into going because my best friends were going. Can I just say now that some peer pressure can be good? I am so glad they got me to go. Throughout Urbana, I started to open up my heart to the Lord and really asked Him to take it wherever He wanted it. I really connected with the Lord.
The big surrender:
As I talked to IV and Greek IV staff, I started to see my light. I had never thoroughly considered ministry as a career before, but always knew I enjoyed being involved with it. Out of the blue on Wednesday, December 30, I was at the greek IV booth, and they asked me if I had ever considered going on staff with IV. I said not really, but I'd love to consider the option. I then semi-interviewed with an IV staffer for about 45 minutes and realized this could really be something I could enjoy. By the end of Urbana, as the Lord really answered my prayers to move my heart to where He wanted it, I realized my heart was in campus ministry and it had actually been there for a while! I just had not realized it! I think I just pushed those kind of thoughts about going into ministry to the back of my mind because I was supposed to grow up to be this successful human being by human standards by making lots of money. December 31, I finally surrendered to the call to ministry and realized that God was calling me into campus ministry and perhaps specifically with intervarsity. From that point on, my other future decisions just seemed to fall into place. I came back to school, dropped my double major to just a BS in Math. Then, last Friday, the Lord gave me further clarity about my decision to quit Young Life when He blessed me with the Head RA position for next year. It was just further confirmation to me that I had to quit something and if I was going to go into ministry as a career, I needed to practice it here with everything I had before it became a career. So, Last Saturday, I officially quit tennis with much support from my tennis coaches and family, something I had not expected at all!
All in all, once I surrendered to His call, I felt the most peace I have ever felt in my life. Am I terrified? Yes. Am I excited? Absolutely. I truly can't wait to see what the Lord does with me as He prepares me in this next year and a half to answer His call to ministry.
Not that he doesn't always, but lately, he has blessed me with clarity, something that I seem to always be praying for. I am such a planner and want to plan out every second of every day and want to know what I'll be doing for the next five years right now.
I have learned along the way really what the Word means when it says "He will be a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." Sometimes He shows us just a lamp unto our feet, showing us just where to take the next step. And sometimes He shows us a light to a longer path. I've learned to be thankful to the lamp and the light, but my planning self still constantly seeks the light.
Over Christmas break, man did the Lord give me the light. How freeing and terrifying was this light!! There are certain things I pray for every night: my family, my friends, my Young Life kids, my witness, my future husband but I would say the majority of my prayers get taken up by me praying and agonizing to the Lord about future plans. Future, future, future. Where am I going to be in five years? What am I going to be doing? What is going to be my mission field and on and on and on? On December 31st, the Lord answered those prayers about my future and my life will never be the same.
Working back from December 31st before the big surrender:
My whole life I have been driven for success. Be the best tennis player. Be the best student. Be the best club president. And for me this meant having a clear life plan and life goals. Since the 7th grade after reading "Financial Peace"(still my favorite book to this day), I was going to be a financial planner. No second guessing, that was my life plan and my life goal was to open a Christian financial planning firm. Throughout high school, I worked hard at school to get into a good college where I knew I'd major in something finance related. Once in college, I decided that degrees in math and accounting would be my perfect segway to get into financial planning.
After my sophomore year of college is when things started to change. I started to actual realize I would be graduated in two years and have to be a financial planner for the rest of my life. Seriously, I had never really thought what that would mean and if I would actually enjoy it. I started to doubt that that was my life plan and honestly, I realized I had never asked the Lord if that was his plan for me. I started to pray hard about just what my future career should be. What was He calling me to do? The fall of this past year, I was in a lot of turmoil, was he calling me to stick it out with my math and accounting degrees and just do what I had always thought I was going to do? Was he calling me to speech therapy? Should I become an actuary? I didn't know and I continued to pray. Along with this, I was trying to make the huge decision as if I should quit Young Life or tennis or keep exhausting myself and do both. Christmas came and I knew decision time about Young Life and tennis was getting closer as tennis season started at the end of January. I prayed and I weighed all the pros and cons. I was convinced one day I was gonna quit tennis. The next day I was for sure quitting Young Life. And another day I was gonna continue to do both.
Then, I went to Urbana, a missions conference with over 15000 people from all over the world. I didn't go with a willing or open heart. Honestly, I didn't want to leave my family at home as I selfishly treasure that time so much especially since I live 1000 miles away from home 9 months a year. I went because I felt like I should and was sort of peer pressured into going because my best friends were going. Can I just say now that some peer pressure can be good? I am so glad they got me to go. Throughout Urbana, I started to open up my heart to the Lord and really asked Him to take it wherever He wanted it. I really connected with the Lord.
The big surrender:
As I talked to IV and Greek IV staff, I started to see my light. I had never thoroughly considered ministry as a career before, but always knew I enjoyed being involved with it. Out of the blue on Wednesday, December 30, I was at the greek IV booth, and they asked me if I had ever considered going on staff with IV. I said not really, but I'd love to consider the option. I then semi-interviewed with an IV staffer for about 45 minutes and realized this could really be something I could enjoy. By the end of Urbana, as the Lord really answered my prayers to move my heart to where He wanted it, I realized my heart was in campus ministry and it had actually been there for a while! I just had not realized it! I think I just pushed those kind of thoughts about going into ministry to the back of my mind because I was supposed to grow up to be this successful human being by human standards by making lots of money. December 31, I finally surrendered to the call to ministry and realized that God was calling me into campus ministry and perhaps specifically with intervarsity. From that point on, my other future decisions just seemed to fall into place. I came back to school, dropped my double major to just a BS in Math. Then, last Friday, the Lord gave me further clarity about my decision to quit Young Life when He blessed me with the Head RA position for next year. It was just further confirmation to me that I had to quit something and if I was going to go into ministry as a career, I needed to practice it here with everything I had before it became a career. So, Last Saturday, I officially quit tennis with much support from my tennis coaches and family, something I had not expected at all!
All in all, once I surrendered to His call, I felt the most peace I have ever felt in my life. Am I terrified? Yes. Am I excited? Absolutely. I truly can't wait to see what the Lord does with me as He prepares me in this next year and a half to answer His call to ministry.
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