Deceiving Myself

Next on my excursion was 1 John. I feel like I've done some really deep Bible Studies on the entire book of John (thank you Pine Cove!), but I couldn't tell you one thing that was said in 1,2, and 3 John. That could be because I've only ever skimmed over them or because I have a horrible comprehension rate while reading (thus, why I'm a math major), but either way I was pumped to see what these three books are about. I feel like every day I'm getting hit hard with conviction about different areas of my life while I'm doing this excursion through little known books. Who would have known these little books packed so much punch???

I'm just doing a chapter a night to try to really dig deep into this stuff. Honestly, for me to really comprehend what I'm reading, I have to read it a few (or several) times. So chapter1 it was last night. It's a very short chapter that talks a lot about darkness and light and how there is no darkness in God. From its discussion on darkness, I realized just how dark I am. Verses 8 and 10 really hit me hard.

They say, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and truth is not in us. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us." John definitely calls me right out. I feel like he is talking directly to me. My whole life, at least since I can remember, I have been the "good girl", who doesn't do anything "bad." I have successfully deceived a lot of the people I know into this image. But, what hurts most is that I now realize I am not only deceiving those around me, but myself. Urbana helped me release a lot of the deception I have been holding inside me for a long time, but it continues to be a struggle. Deception is especially hard to let go because the majority of the time that I have deceived people, they have NO idea. To confess to lying to someone that doesn't know they've been lied to is like making a new wound that was never there. On the other hand, without confession, the wound lies within me. And also what's hard about lying is that the natural progression of lying causes one lie to turn into hundreds before you even realize it! Not only am I myself a liar, but I making the King of Kings a liar by deceiving the world into thinking that I don't "sin." Why do I do this? How do I justify such an awful thing?

I had a big revelation back in November that I value following the so-called "rules of Christianity" more than I do the actual relationship aspect of the Lord. Would I ever admit to this? No. But, the more I looked at my life and the way I spent my time with the Lord, I realized that I think people are better Christians if they are following my perception of the "rules of Christianity." The things that frustrate me the most are when Christians don't follow the rules, but do I ever think about how much time they're spending with the Lord daily? It's a constant battle for me now to reprogram my brain into putting relationship with the Lord higher than rules. Besides, rules mean absolutely nothing if you don't have a relationship. Don't get me wrong. I still think the closer you get to Christ, the more you'll want to follow His law, but I was just following rules without deepening my relationship with the Lord.

Lord, help me be honest with you and not deceive myself or the world of who I am. Let me value my relationship with you higher than any set of rules.