Cycles

We talk about it a lot. The cycle of poverty this. The cycle of poverty that. We talk about how terrible it is, how hard it is to get out of, and we keep trying to think of more ways for people to escape it. This whole summer I am working with many people who are trapped in the cycle of poverty. My heart breaks for them as I learn more and more about how awesome a lot of these individuals are. But, what about us? Are we in a cycle, too?

I was reminded of this by one of the sweetest men in my group, who is affectionately known as PawPaw to most. During our routine lunch yesterday while sitting under a shade tree, he started talking and I started listening. He said probably one of the most profound things I've heard in a long time. After we visited the Harbor Light Salvation Army center yesterday, he realized that we, too, as middle class individuals are caught in the cycle of pushing the homeless away. Since 1861, when Salvation Army was started, people have been pushing the homeless away from the church. This was the very reason the SA was created because the church wasn't helping them, so somebody needed to. It's still the same today in many churches. If a homeless person walked into a church today, would they be welcomed with open arms? Sadly, probably not. It just makes you think, what vicious cycle are you caught in? Sometimes this perspective can change everything. That was certainly the case for me yesterday.

Mindblowing

Then he said to them all, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:23-24

One of the most mindblowing and emotional days I've had in a long time, but so needed and so good. I had the full range of emotions today: from angry, confused, and sad to hopeful, joyful, and giddy.

Confused because of some awesome time we spent with a man that absolutely radiates Christ, Jim. He completely boggled my mind about being successful and how suffering is actually needed and a great thing. He was once CEO of a company, had everything the world says should make us happy, and then lost it all, and is now probably in my top 5 of Godliest people I have ever met. His wreckage turned out so beautiful. Now, I wonder if I need to go through some suffering and pain to experience the beautiful other side. I've been comfortable my whole life and have experienced little to no suffering. At the same time though, my earthly mind doesn't want suffering. So, now what do I do with this?

Sad for one of my fellow interns and the hurt she is going through, but thankful that the Lord has started to soften my hurt, so the things that hurt other people and the Lord are breaking my heart as well. This was a HUGE breakthrough for me. I usually don't feel for other people at all.

Mad because we discussed human trafficking today. I was more angry today than I have been in a long time. I had no idea what a huge issue it is and especially angry that people in our world can be so evil to enslave people and especially sexually enslave small children. Disgusting and gross and it made me absolutely angry. I wanted to get up right then and go punch one of the pimps that enslaves girls.

Hopeful that the Lord can help me discern through all of this information I am processing and hopeful that He can completely eliminate human trafficking. Joyful because the Lord moved in HUGE ways in our group today. Walls were broken down. Bonds were strengthened. Lives are changing.

Joyful that I am blessed to be with such an honest and open group who will be vulnerable.
Giddy after a fantastic light-hearted night including the Hobbit Cafe (which was delicious), an Astros game where they actually won, dancing and singing in the van on the way back to housing, and finally a mini-salsa dance lesson from Sarah, our communications director!

All in all, it scares me so much that I am going to continually have to fight against myself to really see what God has for me this summer, but at the same time, I'm excited to see how His glory and perfect provision for my life turns out!

Lord, thank you for vulnerability and inperfections. Thank you for loving us through wreckage. Continue to remind me that I am not perfect, but don't need to be because you are.

Center for Student Missions Summer

"My dear friends, pay attention. God has given a lot of faith to the poor people in this world. He has also promised them a share in his kingdom that he will give to everyone who loves him. You ill-treat the poor. But isn't it the rich who boss you around and drag you off to court? Aren't they the ones who make fun of your Lord?" James 2:5-7

So, this summer, I'll be learning a lot about this verse. I'm working for Center for Student Missions or CSM in Houston, which is a urban mission program in which we take adult and student groups around the city to different awesome programs that help in a variety of ways. I've only been here about a week in training, but I already feel like the city is serving me more than I am serving it.

In America, we all grow up thinking that achieving the American dream is ideal. We want to be successful, have a nice house, and raise a family. This is where my internal conflict starts. Is that really what God wants for my life? Is that really what His word commands? I have been so driven by success my whole life that anything that seems to contrast that completely boggles my mind. If I can have better faith living in the depressed 3rd ward of Houston than I can living in a house in River Oaks, should I not live a so-called "poor" lifestyle?

This is a question I will continue to work through the entire summer and it scares me A LOT. If God is really calling me to live a more modest lifestyle, I need to do that. But at the same time, there goes my dreams of nice cars, big screen TVs, and expensive furniture. I know if that really is what God is calling me to do, the turmoil I feel about not living with nice things will be far less than the joy I receive from answering God's call.

In the first 72 hours I was here, I already saw exactly what James meant in verse 5. As I sat eating my breakfast with hundreds of the Houston homeless after the Lord of the Streets church service on Sunday, I talked with Rosalynn and saw one of the strongest faiths I'd seen in a long time. There she sat, homeless on a scorching hot summer day in Houston, eating one of the first meals she'd probably had in a couple of days. As she ate, not only did she give some of her food away as soon as somebody else said they liked a certain item, but she told me of just how much joy the Lord was giving her. I don't think she stopped smiling the whole meal. She told me how she was so blessed with joy and so glad she was joyful, and not just happy. Can you say WOW? She, compared to American standards, had close to nothing, but was more joyful than probably the majority of the people living in Beverly Hills. Rosalynn served me so well by teaching me what true joy is. I hope I see her again.

Joy is not the absence of crisis, but the presence of Christ.

Lord, thank you for Rosalynn and the way she touched my life. She was such an inspiration to me. Thank you for giving us joy even when we don't deserve it.

Connect

So, I'm writing this post for a couple of reasons.
1.) I haven't written in a while, and need to.
2.) Steve Tamayo, our GCF staff worker's favorite word is connect and one of his favorite things to do is blog, so I wanted to honor his leaving in this way
3.) I want to connect with God, and have not been lately

1.) self-explanatory
2.) My spiritual growth at W&L has a lot to do with this guy. He's seen me at my highs and my lows, and gives some of the best advice I've ever heard. He listens with an open heart and when you talk to him, you feel like you need to completely pour out your heart to him. I've "connected" with him and He's "connected" me with God countless times through discipling, GCF talks, or just through encouragement. I'm going to miss him a lot next year as are a lot of us.
3.) I've been kinda slighting my time with the Lord recently. I got into a rut of quiet times where the formula I had set up just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I say all the time there is no set way to connect with God, but in my head, I thought for me I had to read my Bible and then pray to connect with God. Therefore, if I was not doing those things in my quiet times, I thought I was not connecting with Him, and felt guilty. So, then one of my best friends made me realize that maybe I need to change my routine to connect with God now. That worked for a few days. I switched it up and just started praying. Then, I got lazy because I no longer felt guilty about not doing my routined quiet time and pretty much stopped having one altogether. Basically, me and the Lord have not been tight lately, and I hate that. I'm gonna change it up again and start reading scripture throughout the day to help me connect with God not just at one time, but multiple times throughout the day. I thank God for sticking by me even when I have not been spending very much time with him. Today, I read Ephesians 2 after being curious about what it said after reading a friend's religious views on Facebook. I love that Paul writes that we are alive in Christ. For so many people, they think that being a Christian means dying to fun, but honestly when we are in Christ, we are soooo alive!! I can live knowing that no matter what I do, even when I don't feel close to Him, He is still there for me and loves me unconditionally. What peace!
Thank you Lord for being faithful to me even when I'm not faithful to you!

Answered Prayer

God is good ALL the time! ALL the time, God is good!
The Lord has been ridiculously blessing me lately, so I thought I'd share just how He's been answering my prayers.
1.) Dodgeball tournament was soooo legit! Over 200 people were there total with parents, teachers, and faculty. All of the kids were really into it, and my team turned out better than I can imagine! I mean really, what could be better than bright green wigs?? We as leaders, really connected with new kids and old kids, and it served as a great foundation for our ministry this semester.
2.) First club was crazy awesome!! I'd say there were about 50 kids packed into a basement. Then energy was sooo high and all of the kids were really into it, jamming out to songs, participating actively in games, and the biggest blessing was that they were so attentive during the talk, which by the way was absolutely incredible!
3.) The Lord gave me motivation to do work today! huuuuuuuuge answered prayer right there..
4.) It may sound silly, but a date to Fancy Dress. Now, i'm super pumped for FD(and my birthday might I add)!
5.) Boldness to go ask stores for donations for our Chi O chili cookoff. I was super nervous, but just walked in there and did it!
6.) I only got 5 hours of sleep last night, but wasn't tired today!
I could go on and on, but you get the point.. God answers prayer!
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, present your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6
I love this verse because it doesn't say good requests or important requests, but simply your requests. No request is too simple or silly to God. I love that I know that God doesn't laugh at me when I pray about it anything, even the miniscule stuff!
God, thanks for listening to me and blessing me so much with answered prayers!

Beautiful Creation

This week has been absolutely beautiful and I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to enjoy God's creation. I have been frequenting my favorite spot in Lexington, Jordan's Point. Ever think that God has made certain things just for you? Well, that's how I feel about this place. I feel so peaceful there, so aware of the blessings the Lord has given me, and just plain joyful. I get giddy every time it is pretty enough to go there. My latest joy is running there. Since I quit tennis, I have started running more often and have come to really enjoy it. Running is so freeing, like the world is your playground. You don't need anything to go somewhere, but you. I know for so many people running is torturous, but for me it's a release and a time when I just get to marvel at the Lord's creation and hang out with Him. What better way to hang out with the Lord than in His creation? In Hebrews 4:13, it says, "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight." And I feel that when I'm running, I begin to be less blinded by the world and see more of the things that are so hidden from my view so many times. I yearn to see the world as God sees it, and I definitely thing that extends from seeing people as He sees them and creation as He sees it.
Lord, let me see the world as you see it. Thank you so much for the joy you bring me through Jordan's Point and running!
p.s. I'm off to the high school, then Jordan's Point again!! also.. we as Young Life leaders are hosting a dodgeball tournament tonight and over 150 kids have signed up! I'm on Team Leprechaun and can't wait to chunk some dodgeballs at people! Debrief on this coming soon!

I like rules

I've always said that I hate rules, but recently, I've discovered that secretly, I love them. Rules are tangible. Something that I can easily wrap my mind around. I am good at following rules. Last night, however, one of my best friends set me in my tracks, when she uncovered that I love rules and specifically following the "rules" of Christianity more than I love my relationship with Christ. Ouch. It hurts. I'm not gonna lie. When the Lord convicts you like that especially by somebody that loves you so much, you know it's a big issue.

Rules are what I cling to, where I find my pride a lot of times. I am the rules queen. You tell me a rule and I'll follow it. Because I follow most of what I've considered the "rules" of Christianity, I have been WAY too prideful about my faith. I'm not gonna sugar coat this. Honestly, I have thought for a long time that I was a better Christian than other people just because I followed the "rules" of Christianity. I would tell you how strong a person was in their faith by how well they followed rules. I say all the time, oh yeah, I sin, which I know I do, but in my prideful thinking, I also think, but I don't sin as much as that person over there. It's a trap because my thinking that, is a sin in itself.

Also, I view following rules as part of my journey to perfection. And, yes, I was also convicted about this. I'm a goal setter and a planner. Pretty much in every area of my life, I set goals and then work to achieve them. I put my faith into this same category as well. But, again, I was convicted that I will never reach perfection. Yes, I want to strive to be like Christ, who is perfect, but I will always fall short. Faith is not a journey that ends. It is a continual process. A lot of this stuff I'm saying seems like common sense, and I say it all the time, thinking I believe it. However, when I actually thought about it, I realized I didn't, which was another problem.

So, now I'm hurt, I'm broken, but the Lord has already been gracious enough to give me peace about this, and motivate me to change my perspective.
2 Corinthians 12:9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Now, it's a tough thing to do, but I boast in my weakness. I am NOT perfect and I truly believe that now. I will NEVER be perfect. But, I don't have to be because Christ, who is perfect, died for me. His power is perfect in my weakness. For when I am weak, He is strong. Conviction stinks, but it's just the Lord's way of refining you, so I find joy in knowing that the Lord is refining me always.

Heavenly Father, thank you for humbling me even though it hurts. thank you for always refining me and never giving up on this prideful child of yours.